Team Zieser

The Gift of Love

2011-12-24T08:18:00.002-06:00

There is a story of a man who, upon seeing sparrows outside his window shivering in the cold, went and opened up the doors of his barn to give them shelter. The birds, just feet away from warmth, continued to shiver out on the cold, snowy branches. The man began to wish he could become a sparrow so that he could show them the way into the barn...a place of security, a place where their needs would be met and a place where they wouldn't have to suffer.

The story illustrates how God looked at us, saw we had great needs, but were lost in religion and hopelessness. He became a sparr...er...human...to show us the way and because of some long-ago people who listened to God's instruction, we have record of his life today.

So all of that may seem hard to believe. First of all, that there is a God (kind of a blow-your-mind thing), second that he became human (to a virgin mother, nonetheless) and then walked the earth for 30-something years (sounds like sci-fi stuff) and third, that he would even care enough to go through all that.

This year, it occurred to me that while the whole God becoming human thing is a tricky thing to comprehend, one of fundamental barriers to belief is the part about Love. Think of the famous verse John 3:16 "For God so LOVED the world, that he gave his only son and whosoever believes in him will have eternal life." Most of us read that and skip to the end...eternal life, belief...that's good stuff...but wait, what's that at the beginning? Love. For God so LOVED the world (that's us) that he gave.

How many people...how many of us...go through our day-to-day lives without thinking about how loved we truly are? We are loved so much that God came to earth to show us the way to safety and comfort...a place where our needs will be met not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally. Can we even begin to comprehend that? It's not always easy when many can go an entire day without a kind word or any love (compassion, understanding, patience, etc.). How could we possibly believe that God loves us when the people around us don't really seem to?

That is the barrier. That is where disbelief stops us. How can we believe that God gave his son (allowed part of himself to become human) to save us when we can't even get past the thought that we are loved?

If you're expecting me to have an answer to this, I'm about ready to disappoint you. The truth is, I don't know. What I do know is that once we believe, we are given a love for others that passes understanding. We can stifle it, we can become insensitive to it, we can even get our ego in the way and start believing that some people don't deserve love, but that's a lie. Those of us who believe need to show others that they are loved...truly loved...and we can do that in so many wonderfully creative ways.

This year, when displaying your "Christmas spirit," I encourage you to follow in the footsteps of the greatest gift-giver of all. If God so loved the world, then as followers (Christian means follower of Christ), we need to also love the world...the people of the world...the people around us. By loving others, we can show them that they are worthy of love, great love, and the barrier that keeps them from believing God could also loves them begins to break down.

If you're reading this and know God's love...I ask you to pass it on. If you're reading this and are unable to understand the love of God, then know the people around you have fallen short. If you've been mistreated, abused, neglected, made to feel inferior, then you have not been living in the life and love that was intended for you. God loves you. He loved you so much that he allowed part of himself to become human just to show you the way home. This isn't about religion (which has been used to divide and condemn), this is about one God and the love he has for you.

So this December, instead of worrying about who says "Merry Christmas" and who says "Happy Holidays," instead of freaking out when you see Xmas instead of Christmas and instead of falling for the hype that Santa is winning the war on Christmas...focus on what the holiday is about. Love. The love that God has for us and how we became human because he loved us. That all we have to do is believe in that love and suddenly our lives will change and eternal life will begin.

Steve and I wish you all a Merry Christmas and are grateful to have so many loving people in our lives. Team Zieser started as an email, but has grown into a family of supporters and we hope we are able to give back some of the love that has been shown us. Thank you all and remember that you are loved beyond measure. Merry Christmas!

WELCOME MESSAGE

2011-12-01T11:55:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the Team Zieser blog.

I'm Jenn Zieser and my husband is Steve Zieser. We started this blog back in June of 2007 when Steve was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. What started out as a way to communicate with friends and family has grown to include more people than we could have imagined. Cancer isn't something a person can fight alone. They...we...need a team and that is where Team Zieser comes in. Thank you for being a part of our team and standing with us as we fight this disease...now for the third time.

And now for a few details about us and the blog...

I've recently changed the format to read as more of a timeline than a traditional blog...this will help people just tuning in to catch up and see where we've been. The blog doesn't look pretty, but it is functional and that's what I was going for. (smile)

This blog is designed to be shared. Yes, it's very personal in nature, but life is personal and opening up our lives, hearts, and brains is one way we can connect with others as we all walk this crazy journey. When you share posts from our blog, please share the link instead of just the text...this will help us stay connected.

Also, if you want to contact us off-blog, here's how to do it...

Jenn on Facebook

Steve on Facebook

Email Jenn

Email Steve

Jenn's Shop: Label Me Happy

Steve's Blog: Curmudgeons & Dragons

Next Chemo Tomorrow

2011-08-30T10:12:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Steve's second session of chemo...starting Wednesday and ending Friday. The first session went well with much less nausea than before with some fatigue, but nothing debilitating. He wasn't able to work during the session, but was back on Monday feeling good. We have high hopes for this next session and, as always, could use prayer. I have faith that God is in control, my body is producing a lot of anxiety...Steve has faith and is peaceful as usual. Thank you for all your support and especially your prayers. God is good all the time and is our healer. We've seen many miracles take place and believe that there is more to come. Thank you, friends, for standing with us.

What's Going On

2011-07-29T10:58:00.000-05:00

Originally posted to facebook by Steve:

So, we just got back from my Oncology appointment, going over the latest scan of the cancer in my lungs. And things have indeed gotten bigger, which was not the news we wanted to hear. We've been having a a string of "well, things don't look like they've grown that much, so let's just let things be" kind of reports for so long now, I think we got used to that.

Anyway, I will be starting up chemotherapy treatments again on August 17th. I will be having a long infusion day and then wear a portable infusion pump for 48 hours afterwards with more medicine. I will be doing this once every two weeks for at least a couple months to see how the cancer reacts to it. We had tried using an oral medicine in the spring, but that seemed to have more and more lasting side effects than the infused medicines. Side effects for me usually involve nausea and fatigue, but at least when I use the infusions, these seem to stay around only during those days I'm getting the medicine.

A lot of you know that I am a Christian, and many know that I have had great faith that I will be healed from this illness. So, naturally, some might ask "Well, what's the deal with this, then?" Have these events caused me to doubt this now?

I won't say that I'm not disappointed that things haven't improved with my cancer. I've felt great for a long time now, and I had been hoping that this was all part of a long upswing back to health. But, in my heart of hearts , the part where God speaks in that still, small voice, I know that I'm not finished yet. Not by a long shot.

This God I know, this God who has given me salvation through Jesus Christ, He has not let me down. Over the past year, there have been some remarkable transformations going on in the house that Zieser built. Jenn has been working a fairly rigorous exercise regimen with her kettlebells and has been feeling good. She has discovered a love of pottery making and our home is now blessed with her beautiful creations. I've gotten to draw and paint for lots of different game publications and have felt a wellspring of hope in my soul. I am not the same man I was a few years back. I am improved; hardened and tempered in fire.

God is good; God is righteous and He does what he says he will do. I pray and read and feel His presence in my very heart and soul. I feel Him sharply when I am in worship and feel Him just as sharply when I'm sweating away in the warehouse everyday. If this is puzzling to you, or you don't understand where I'm coming from here, feel free to drop me a line. I'll tell you where I've been and what I've experienced and why I feel this way.

So, there you go. I thank God for each and every one of you, and thank you for your thoughts, prayers and vibes. I will continue to make posts about Star Wars and Star Trek and Dungeons & Dragons and all the other nerdy crap I usually do. I will occasionally report on what mischief the dogs have gotten into and will continue to harp on the fact that I love Jenn so very, very, very much.

Blessings and Encouragement to you all!

Steve

Scan, Results, You Know the Routine

2011-07-27T11:27:00.000-05:00

It seems my plan to make this blog a regular publication hasn't materialized. It's been a full few months and sometimes the reality that comes from writing it all down can be a bit daunting.

We lost two good friends and mentors this summer. Jack and Kay Snow truly became one the day they married and as one did not live apart for long on this earth. They left us within months of each other and even their passing was an example of the love they shared. That love was an inspiration to us and one we try to emulate...one that Kay once told me was a choice...a choice with many benefits.

Steve and I often say that we may not do a lot of things well, but marriage is something we're both pretty good at. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts and I am grateful every day that I have him in my life.

We decided last week that the trip we first talked about during our engagement needed to be taken. We have booked our flight and tour and will leave for Italy at the end of March. This is HUGE for us, but something we just didn't want to put off any longer. We've promised those around us that we'd try not to bore them with details of Italy, but admit that our dogs can almost say the word...we talk about it so much. (smile)

As excited we are for this dream trip, we are also taking care of the business that needs done at home. Today Steve had a CT scan and we get the results on Friday. If you've read our blog for long, you know that the days leading up to the results are difficult and this week has been typical. Steve is forever hopeful and knows that cancer will not overcome him...I believe with him, although my strength falters at times.

I talked to Steve a while ago and he was back at work, but was having a few side-effects from the dye they inject before doing the scan. He thought it would pass quickly and a few more calls may convince me he's ok. He's so patient with me. (smile)

Please pray with us and believe with us that this cancer will be removed from his body and that he will be healed. Also believe with us that God's timing is perfect and that he will grant us the peace and strength we need to endure this difficult road. We have been blessed beyond what we can often believe and yet keeping the faith is a daily choice.

Seems this post is about choices. The choice to believe, the choice to love...the choice to receive the blessings and gifts that are there for us. On Monday I chose to lose hope, but on Tuesday I chose to believe...those two days were as different as black and white. Today I choose love, peace and faith. I hope that today, you do the same.

Thank you for standing with us and being part of Team Zieser. The support we experience buoys our spirits and helps us walk on. As always, let us know how we can pray for you. God doesn't have favorites (unless he considers all of us his favorite) and the blessings that have been given to us are also available to you...if you want them.

Miracles

2011-04-29T09:58:00.000-05:00

We just got back from Oncology and Steve has already headed back to work...back to normal life...we like normal.

Steve decided and Dr Nabi agreed that not starting chemo is the way to go. He'll go back in at the end of July to have another scan to see how the cancer has progressed (or as we are praying...disappeared). We'll decide then whether to start chemo again or to wait a while longer.

So where is the miracle we've been waiting for? Well, I'll tell you...

Steve has stage four colon cancer metastasised to his lungs. This is the third diagnosis and he's had numerous surgeries and treatments along the way. For more than a year, he has been living symptom free, treatment free and the cancer is growing in such small increments that it may as well not be growing at all. The scans show he has cancer, but every other indicator shows a man who doesn't and he's as close to living a cancer-free life as anyone. In fact, Steve is actually healthier than the average person despite the cancer in his body. I call this a miracle...it certainly goes against what statistics say should be happening and even our doctor is amazed.

The next miracle, I suppose, could be attributed to positive thinking, attitude or even denial...but believe me...it's much more than that. Steve and I have both struggled with depression and anxiety in our lives and like I've said before...not in just a bad day here and there kind of thing. By all accounts, this time in our life should be the hardest...the most stressful...the most everything except joyful, peaceful and hopeful. Yet we are experiencing more life, healing, joy, peace and hope than ever before. Yes, we are choosing to accept these gifts, but isn't that also a miracle?

We're living a miracle and we are giving credit to the Life Source...the Healer...the One who loves us beyond what we think we deserve or can sometimes even accept. We get emails telling us how brave we are, how inspirational, how fill-in-the-blank and we appreciate that, but what you're seeing isn't us...seriously...you're seeing Jesus. The best news is that you don't have to have stage four cancer to get to this place...you can experience life-changing healing just by accepting the gift. Ask Jesus to heal your life, your health, your relationships, your situations and then write to us when you start seeing the changes that I KNOW will come.

Until then, thank you for your prayers, your support, your friendship and for reading and being a part of Team Zieser. Today is the day that could change everything...don't forget to ask. Peace to you all.

Another Appointment

2011-04-26T11:24:00.000-05:00

Steve has an appointment with Dr. Nabi (oncologist) on Friday morning at 8am. The purpose of the appointment is to decide whether Steve should restart chemo and if so, what type of chemo to use. We have faith and believe that God is healing this cancer...we're just waiting for the healing to show up on a scan. Steve won't have a scan this week, however, since the one he had a month ago showed slight growth of the tumors.

While we say we are waiting for healing...waiting for a miracle, we have also come to realize that Steve is actually LIVING a miracle. He has been without treatment for well over a year and the doctor can't explain why the cancer isn't growing faster than it is. Steve is also living symptom free with stage four cancer, which is not something that usually happens.

This week we could use prayer for our minds and bodies. Our spirits are strong, faithful, peaceful and joyful, but our bodies rebel. Anxiety shows up in different ways...for me it's forgetting things...like the dentist this morning and just kind of being frozen into inactivity. Steve is stronger...goes to work, does his job well and supports me when I think I should be supporting him. I am truly blessed to live with this man.

So the appointment on Friday isn't going to reveal anything we don't already know. He may have a blood test and the normal physical checks (weight, blood pressure, etc.), but we aren't waiting for results of a scan or anything like that. Still...appointments (for me) bring up all the memories of the past and some of those memories are terrifying. I need strength to get through this week and to walk into the appointment...Steve needs strength to deal with me (laugh).

Please understand if this post seems a little scattered or if I sound overly anxious because, as Matthew 26:41 says...my spirit is willing, but my body is weak. Thank you for your ongoing prayers, friendship and compassion...you bless us beyond belief.

Spring Forward

2011-04-08T01:35:00.000-05:00

I noticed this morning that I hadn't updated our blog since February 7. I think I've gotten in the habit of reporting the hardships of this road we're on and not posting the joys and miracles we experience every day. That needs to change! We started this blog to share diagnoses and prayer requests with friends and family, but it's time for the Team Zieser blog to evolve just as we have been transformed.

In the past few months Steve and I have been really looking at our life. There are so many things that we are grateful for, so many blessings have been heaped upon us...sometimes the amount of joy we feel can be overwhelming...not that we're complaining, of course. I think that God has really shown us how powerful our focus and perspective is and I'm not ashamed to admit that for both of us, our attitude now is a far departure from what it used to be.

Before we met, Steve and I both experienced debilitating depression. I'm not talking a weekend on the sofa feeling sad, I mean clinical depression which lead to hospitalization, therapy, medication and many years of struggling to get out of the pit. Depression is still something we both watch out for and even experience from time to time, but those very dark times are hopefully safe in our past. I tell you this to show that we are not two people who have always looked on the bright side. In fact, I used to think that pessimism was reality and optimism a silly form of denial...Steve tells me that his thought pattern was similar.

So when Steve and I talk about being grateful, being joyful, being at peace with life, we aren't just spouting platitudes. We aren't in denial, we know life is full of struggle and pain and disappointment and trials, but it's also full of beauty and love and miracles. It took a lot of work to change my focus, my perspective, but the benefits have been life changing. Steve has told me that who he is today is so far from who he used to be that I wouldn't even have recognized him then. It's hard for me to think of him as anything but the smiling, peaceful, loving man he is today and I suppose that change, in itself, is a miracle.

Our blog will continue to share updates on Steve's health, but it will now also share (hopefully on a more regular basis), how these difficult times have transformed our life. God has blessed us and the fact that we're able to say this in the midst of living with stage four cancer is a miracle. We're going to continue to live this miracle while waiting for the healing that God has promised us. I'll share more about how our life has been changed in upcoming posts. For now I just want to mention a few things that have been going on and some specifics in terms of prayer needs.

A few days ago, Steve woke up feeling some strangeness in his chest.. It felt like fluttering in the area where part of his lung had been removed and since he's had bronchitis and a cold, he was concerned about pneumonia. He went in to have an x-ray done and the results came back showing no pneumonia and no abnormalities aside from slight growth of the tumors. Of course we don't like that the tumors have grown, but it was nothing unexpected and nothing the doctor was overly concerned about. He goes back at the end of this month to possibly start chemo again. Please pray that God chooses this time to heal the cancer completely and that no further treatment is needed.

As for myself, I have made some drastic lifestyle changes in terms of my health and am thrilled with the progress I'm seeing in just five weeks. I'm working out with Okee, a personal trainer at Kettlebell Advantage and am getting my body balanced nutritionally with better eating and supplements. I feel better than I have in years and my clothes are getting looser and looser! Several things led up to these changes and I have several people to thank including our oncologist who reminded me that I need to take care of myself as much as I take care of Steve.

Steve and I have also started attending Cedar Rapids Family Church again and have been really blessed by the worship, messages, prayer and friendships that we experience there. We haven't attended church for a few years, but were prompted to return by our dear friend Genia who passed away last month after a courageous battle with cancer. We have been reminded over and over that Jesus isn't just a get-out-of-jail-free card, but an existing being who wants to help us live life on earth to the fullest. Heaven is a real place and we don't have to wait until we physically die to receive the healing and joy and peace and prosperity that we have been promised.

So that's some of what has been going on with us and we thank you for reading and for being a part of Team Zieser. We appreciate you all and feel blessed to have such a wonderful group of people in our life. Please let us know how we can pray for you. We wish you peace and joy and thank you again for walking this road with us.

Chemo Update

2011-02-07T12:14:00.000-06:00

After a trip by ambulance to the ER early Friday morning, Steve has decided to stop the oral chemo due to the side effects that developed. This chemo seemed to work so well for the first few days, but then the fatigue set in and Steve was sleeping about 20 hours a day. On Thursday morning, he was unable to catch his breath after going outside and while that got better, he woke up at about 3am on Friday with chest pains, a headache and again unable to catch his breath.

Unfortunately, I panicked, but Steve was able to call 911 and the ambulance (and fire truck and police) arrived within about 10 minutes. Despite my being close to useless, the team that came in were very calming, thorough and got Steve to Mercy safely. I'm not sure where my mind was, but I just remember looking out the front picture window as they wheeled him out on the stretcher wondering if I'd ever talk to him again. I suppose it's considered shock. Fortunately, my sister called me back and told me to go to the hospital (at that point I was just sitting on the sofa pretty much convinced I was having a nightmare).

When I got to the hospital, Steve was stable, breathing normally and they were running the usual tests. After talking to several medical personnel, getting more tests, being monitored, eating breakfast, sleeping (him in the room, me in the lobby) we finally were able to go home around 10:30am.

We had talked to Molly (our nurse) at Oncology and have an appointment to see Dr. Nabi on the 18th where we'll decide what to do next. Steve is thinking that going back to the old chemo routine is a good choice because with that he was sick for 3-4 days out of 14, but was able to work and live normally the rest of the time. Actually, not being able to go to work was the hardest thing for Steve...I so admire his work ethic and appreciate VMI for all the support they offer us.

So for now, Steve isn't doing any chemo, but will probably start again after the appointment on the 18th. It was a pretty scary week and I'm glad he's feeling better again. I wish I could have been more supportive, but I can only go on from here and do the best I can do.

Steve is very brave and has been through a lot and yet I find that he's usually the one always comforting me. I am beyond blessed to know such a man and I'm glad I'm able to share our story so that others can be blessed and inspired by him too. Thank you for your many prayers and for believing with us in the healing we know God has in store.

Groundhog Day

2011-02-02T14:40:00.000-06:00

The side-effects started and just like the movie Groundhog Day, we've lived this before. The nausea isn't really a problem as long as he doesn't let himself get hungry, but the fatigue is immense. Steve slept all morning, got up for less than an hour and is now back in bed asleep. Before he went he was wondering if going back to the old chemo routine would be better...at least he was able to go to work most days. I reminded him that with that chemo, he was very ill and had trouble keeping food down which led to a lot of other complications (dehydration is very dangerous). I want to be strong and faithful and trust that God has Steve in his hands, but this is all too familiar and I have begun to worry. It seems the tension has decided to take up residence in my neck and I'm only able to turn it about an inch each way. I know it won't last, but there it is. Please pray for us...that Steve has his energy renewed, that the nausea reminds mild or nonexistent and that I am better able to manage stress. I'm keeping this short and don't want to come across as negative or a complainer, but I also know a lot of you pray and that God listens. Steve has no doubt that there will come a day when he can say he is 100% cancer free and I believe with him. For now he just needs to do the treatment, I need to help him in any way I can and we need to remain faithful and believe that God loves us and has great plans. Thank you for your prayers...we need them right now.

Chemo Commenced

2011-01-31T09:19:00.000-06:00

What we found out...

At our appointment on Friday, we found out that the 10 (I think that's the number) tumors in Steve's lungs had grown, but only slightly. There are most likely other tumors in his lungs, but they're too small to see on the scan. Our oncologist, Dr. Nabi, said that she would have never guessed that after being diagnosed in 2003 and now being without chemo for the past 9 months that the cancer has grown so little.

Options...

Dr. Nabi gave us the option of starting chemo or waiting a while longer. We chose to start chemo just because we felt ready and because there was a new option Steve wanted to try. So he started chemo on Friday with a 90 minute infusion (which will gradually decrease to 30 minutes) and four pills twice a day. He had the normal reaction during the infusion since the smell of gloves, etc. make him gag, but it was much less than in the past. The pills, however, gave us a much different experience than the previous medication.

Chemo...

Steve has now been on the new chemo 3.5 days and aside from about an hour of tiredness right after he takes the medication, he feels great (read: no nausea)! This is such a relief to me and what Steve suspected all along...he's forever hopeful and positive, that one. (smile) So the new regimen will be a 30-minute infusion of Avastin every three weeks followed by two weeks of Xeloda twice a day. He'll then take a week off and start again with the Avastin and Xeloda for two weeks. We'll repeat this for four cycles and then he'll have another scan and an appointment with Dr. Nabi to see how things are working.

Hornets, flies, sledgehammers and a rolled up newspaper...

Dr. Nabi is good at using illustrations to explain test results and treatment...this past week was no exception. She told us that until now, we were assuming the cancer was a hornet (aggressive and dangerous) and so we went after it with a sledgehammer (infusion, pump, lots of drugs). Now we see that the cancer is more like a fly (bothersome) and something we could possibly just ignore for a while if we wanted. Instead, we've chosen to swat at it with a rolled up newspaper (short infusion, pills) to see if we can get it knocked back. I like the analogy and her serious, but laid back attitude transferred on to us...which was a relief. So far, the rolled up newspaper is much easier to carry than the sledgehammer and Steve not only went to work today, but went back on Friday too, which I knew he would, even though they didn't expect him.

New routines and normal life...

So there are a few things that we're going to have to tweak regarding our daily routine, but a lot of things will just go on as normal. Starting today, we made sure Steve had a substantial enough breakfast so that he could take his pills on a full stomach before going to work (very important to have a full stomach BEFORE taking the pills). He usually doesn't eat breakfast so this is a new routine, but one that will probably improve our lives nutritionally...so we win both ways. Steve also needs to address the fatigue that comes after taking the pills which may mean sitting at his workstation while doing reports instead of standing for the first hour or so when he gets to VMI. We also need to be careful to avoid illness as much as possible, but people are so good about this that we aren't really worried. We'll also most likely try to keep our evenings quiet so Steve can rest if he needs to...more to preserve energy than because he needs the rest. Everything else is pretty much just life as we know it.

The Question...

We have such amazing family and friends and coworkers and online friends and neighbors and community that I feel blessed to even be able to address this: People always ask, "What can we do?" To be honest, the answer is in the question. The care, love and support we receive is immense and overwhelming. In fact, we receive so much love and support that instead of just getting by, we have enough energy and abundance that we are able to pass it forward! So aside from a few things that we need (letting us know before we see you if you're sick or have been exposed, understanding that we may need to cancel depending on how we feel, etc.) we really just want to encourage you all to show kindness to the people you come in contact with every day.

Gratefulness...

We often comment that even though Steve is living with stage four cancer, our life is more peaceful and full and (dare I say) easier than so many others who are struggling. We feel truly blessed. A good life is rarely a result of circumstance, but of attitude and that attitude takes a lot of work! We're far from perfect, but we have learned that bad things happen and they're not the exception, they're just life. We've decided not to wait until the cancer is gone to live happily ever after...but to celebrate the many miracles we experience daily and live abundantly. We fail often and fear creeps in, but if we keep looking up, Providence carries us and we enjoy the ride. We hope the same for you and thank you for walking with us and being part of Team Zieser. Love to you all.

Upcoming Scan

2011-01-22T13:00:00.000-06:00

Steve has a scan coming up on Wednesday (1/26) and we'll get the results on Friday (1/28). We know that God heals and have seen a lot of miracles...we wouldn't mind experiencing another. If the scan shows that the cancer has grown enough to start chemo, he'll most likely start right away. This will be a lower dose of chemo with the majority in pill form with a few shorter infusions. From accounts we've heard, the side effects can be similar, but most people haven't experienced any...we're hopeful that this will be the same for Steve. Scan time can be difficult...we seek peace and joy during this time (and all times)...prayers are welcomed. I'll post an update on Friday when we get the results. We are grateful that day to day, Steve feels good, looks healthy and that his life is not hindered by the cancer present. While the cancer is, of course, always in the back of our mind, the months long break has been nice and our strength has been renewed. We are ready to face whatever is to come and thank you all for standing with us by being a part of Team Zieser. Peace to you.

Steve's Facebook Status

2010-11-03T11:57:00.000-05:00

Steve posted the following as his facebook status and I think it's the perfect blog post as well:

Went to the Oncologist to start chemotherapy again, only to be told the cancer really hadn't grown that much and that I could wait until the end of January to start up again! Had some celebration pancakes and now I guess I'll go back to work! The Lord is good!

Please join us on facebook...

Steve Jenn Team Zieser

Another Scan

2010-11-02T14:53:00.000-05:00

Steve had a CT scan yesterday and we get the results tomorrow. The day in between, today, always seems a little surreal and while in the past I've looked at is as a just-get-through-it kind of day, I'm now rethinking this strategy. Steve is a good example of someone who is able to transcend a difficult situation. He may laugh and claim denial, but I believe it's more a case of his really deciding not to let circumstances steal his daily life. It's a wonderful philosophy and amazing to see in action again and again.

It's this attitude that will help us tomorrow when we get the scan results and we're expecting one of the following...

a) the cancer has grown and chemo needs to be restarted

b) the growth is slight enough that chemo can be put off a little longer

c) the cancer is gone

While we so want to see Steve healed completely, we are also accepting of the situation as it is and feel confident in the treatment plan. If Steve does have to start chemo again, he'll be using an oral form of medication along with an infusion every three weeks. He'll no longer have to wear the pump for three days every two weeks and we're hoping that this new regime will decrease a lot of the nausea and complications he has experienced in the past.

As always, we want to thank everyone who reads our blog and is part of Team Zieser. The kindness and love we've experienced as a result of sharing our story is overwhelming...in a wonderful way. We appreciate the words of support, the prayers, the help and the compassion we've been shown. Today is kind of a struggle (for me at least), but knowing we have so many people pulling for us keeps us afloat. So no matter what the results tomorrow, God is love and we're seeing that love shining through so many of you. Thank you for that.

Just the Facts

2010-08-27T10:28:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling wiped out this morning, but wanted to pass on an update so here it is: Just the Facts

Steve had a CT scan on Wednesday and we got the results this morning.

The tumors (our oncologist calls them nodules) are slightly bigger...we're talking millimeters and only a few at that.

She gave Steve the choice of restarting chemo now or waiting another two months. He opted to wait and start in November...the 3rd, I think.

Instead of the long infusion, he'll be getting a short (2 hours or so) infusion every three weeks and then take chemo in a pill form for two weeks with a week off in between.

The benefit of this is hopefully less side effects (chemo will now be three meds instead of five, I think) and less life interruption since he won't be sitting in the clinic and then at home 3 days out of every two weeks.

Steve equate the new chemo to changing from hitting it with a five pound hammer to using a much smaller hammer. If we can get the same results with less medication, that's a good thing.

So for now, we're going on as before. Steve is in good health, feels good, is happy and was ready to get back to work this morning. The past week has been hard on me (I tend to feel the anxiety x 10) so today will be more low key for me...I'm thinking a lot of reading on the back swing.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, kind words and all that good stuff. We are truly blessed and please know the sincerity and weight behind those words. God is good.

Quick Report

2010-06-25T09:22:00.000-05:00

Need to leave for an appointment in a minute, but wanted to give a quick report.

No new tumors. Cancer has grown pretty insignificantly...Dr. Nabi used the word "titch" meaning just a little more than nothing. No chemo for 2 more months and then a scan. After that, maybe a longer break and when he does need chemo she wants to try less meds and a pill rather than a pump infusion. Steve may as well be jumping up and down...he's ecstatic. This is definitely positive news.

Upcoming Scan

2010-06-23T00:55:00.001-05:00

We've been through a lot of scans, we've gotten a lot of results...we've gotten good news; we've gotten news that we thought would devastate us. It may seem overly dramatic to say this, but sometimes I think we've developed a sort of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) when it comes to scans and results. Days before hand we feel ourselves stiffening a bit...bracing for what is to come. Those days can be tense and we long for peace. There are so many conflicting feelings. We have hope and faith, but also doubt and anxiety...because we are human. My mom said it best when she told me, "my spirit is fine, but my body is going crazy." Yep. That's it.

So the scan is Wednesday morning and we get the results on Friday at 8:15 am. We hope that this is the time they say "we can't explain it, but the cancer is gone," but we also know to prepare ourselves for different results. I tell God that this would be the scan that could show his healing nature. Since Steve hasn't had chemo for three months what a miracle it would be to see the cancer gone (or lessened) without medical intervention! Still...we want God's will to be done...we just hope for an easier road than what we've been on.

We ask that you pray that we experience the peace that passes understanding. That's really what we want. Peace. We so appreciate all the support we've received and continue to receive. We are especially appreciative of the understanding and forgiveness we've experienced as we have to cancel plans when we realize we've stretched ourselves too far. The effects of long-term stress aren't always apparent until we've surpassed the boundaries of what we can do. We so appreciate friends and family that understand, the ones that tell us "it's ok" and really mean it. That extension of grace makes us feel very loved and comforted.

I'll post the results of the scan on Friday afternoon. Until then, please pray that we are given the strength to deal with what is to come, the faith of knowing God's hand is on us and again, that the peace that passes understanding is felt in our spirits. Thank you all so much and as always, let us know how we can pray for you...we consider it an honor to do so.

Seven Years Ago Today

2010-06-07T14:51:00.001-05:00

Seven years ago today, Steve and I stood in front of a small group of friends and family and vowed to love each other forever. Well, so far so good (smile) and I look forward to many, many more years of marital bliss.

Although we’ve only been married for seven years, we’ve been through a lot. I won’t list everything here, but those who’ve known us, know it’s often been harder than we thought we could bear. Through it all, however, Steve and I have remained a team. Because we decided early on that we were going to function as a team (yes, that’s where Team Zieser comes from), the difficulties in life were not due to difficulties within our marriage. Not to say that adjustments didn’t need to be made...far from it! We just chose not to see those adjustments as wars or divisive events, but as a way for us to compromise, love and change together.

So what is the secret? I doubt there is a one-size-fits-all secret to a happy marriage, but I can tell you a few things that have made a difference for us.

Soon after we got married we attended the FamilyLife A Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference. This was a gift from my parents and one that I believe set us off on the right path...one that would have taken us a long time to find otherwise. This conference encouraged us to take our jobs as husband and wife seriously and put our marriage above all things. Knowing that I come first over anything else in Steve’s life makes me feel very loved and Steve knows that nothing in my life is more important than him.

Then, a few years ago we went to a class discussing the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This transformed our entire view of how each of us reacts to the world and to each other. The subtitle of the book is The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs and we’ve come to see how focusing on those two things builds us both up and keeps our marriage peaceful and cohesive.

The third thing that I can say has really made a difference is the idea of Steve and I being on the same team. I am often reminded by Steve that "I’m on your side." It’s easy to get frustrated and become combative and yet it’s foolish to fight with people on your own team! Neither of us are into sports at all so it’s kind of funny we use the team idea to keep our marriage strong, but there you go. (smile) Just like on any other team, we want to encourage one another, build each other up and do whatever we can to help the other person succeed. We work WITH each other instead of against each other and that really makes all the difference.

Steve and I often joke that it’s a good thing we married each other because otherwise our spouses would be upset that we’re always hanging out together. He’s truly my best friend, my soul mate (if such things even exist) and my hero. We’ve been through a lot of trials together and are still standing. Below is a little bit of what we’re currently dealing with and how you can pray for us. Thank you for being part of Team Zieser and we hope we can encourage you in some small way with our blog and posts. Let us know how we can pray for you.

= = =

Steve will be having his next CT scan at the end of the month and we’ll get the results a few days afterwards. Our hope is that God would end this trial and that the cancer is completely gone. Please pray with us that God’s will would be done, that our faith remains strong and that we don’t lose hope regardless of what the scan shows. Steve has overcome cancer twice before and I am believing with him that he will overcome it a third time. We hope to continue with the break from chemo until fall, but that will depend on how the cancer has responded to the break so far. Please continue to pray for complete healing for Steve and for God to give me the strength both mentally and emotionally to walk through what is now and what is to come. God heals. We’ve seen him do it so many times and since he is the same today as yesterday, we know that life-touch that started it all is still available to us today. I pray we feel that touch very soon.

The Results Are In

2010-04-21T10:29:00.005-05:00

Steve's scan showed that the tumors have remained stable. They have not increase in number, nor have they decreased...they have also remained the same in size. What this means is that the chemo is working to control the cancer's growth...it's doing what we want it to do and what was/is expected.

The good news (not that the other was necessarily bad) is that Steve gets to take a two month break from chemo. He is going back to work today and will be able to work full-time for the next two months...what a blessing! In a month, he will go back to the clinic to have his port flushed and then in two months will have another scan done. That scan will show any tumor growth and growth is the thing I am most concerned about.

Right now, the tumors are very small...the biggest are the size of a piece of rice. If he continued to have tumors this size in his lungs, he could live normally...they are that small. In two months, if the tumors would even double in size, they would still be considered extremely small and would not affect his health. We, however, do not want growth...we want to keep it under control so the cancer doesn't spread.

At this point, the decision to take a break had to do with quality of life. We're trying to strike a balance between managing the disease and living a quality life. Taking a break from chemo will give more weight to the quality of life side of things and then when chemo needs to start again, we'll build on the treatment side of things. This holistic approach is something our doctor really believes in and we're grateful for that. Very grateful.

We also talked with Dr. Nabi today about clinical trials. Oncology Associates works with the Mayo Clinic and any time there is a clinical trial done at Mayo, the oncologists at OA are involved. Dr. Nabi told us that she's watching for clinical trials that would be beneficial for Steve to participate in...currently there are none in progress. Just knowing this reassures us that we are receiving some of the best medial care in the nation...if not the best.

So...(deep breath)...this is where we are. The two month break is VERY welcomed and will be enjoyed. The miracle I experienced today was the peace that passes understanding...it truly was beyond understanding. Last night was hard, but difficulty is not failure. I still believe that God will heal Steve and even reminded Him that the next scan would be the perfect opportunity because we'd know it was truly Him and not the medication. I know that God doesn't necessarily need my helpful hints, but just in case it hadn't occurred to Him, I thought I'd mention it. (smile)

Thank you for your friendship, prayers, kind words, positive thoughts and facebook distractions. I think I'll now enjoy our newly fenced in backyard while the dogs play. The sun is out and life is good. I wish the same for all of you.

Scan Monday

2010-04-18T23:25:00.005-05:00

Steve has a scan on Monday morning...we get the results on Wednesday (followed by chemo). The scan will show whether the tumors in his lungs are shrinking, growing, staying the same or increasing/decreasing in number. He says he knows the chemo is working...says he can feel it...he's always been right before.

The time between the scan and the results is always a difficult time. We have really been focusing lately on not letting outside events and circumstances affect our inner peace and hope and joy. The next few days will be a challenge, but I just keep reminding myself of the saying "God won't take you to it, if he doesn't plan to take you through it." We're seeking the peace that passes understanding...that kind of peace is a miracle, a true miracle.

We continue to pray for complete healing. We know that God can heal cancer. We know that chemo works. We know what the doctor says, but we know that God is bigger than medicine. We refuse to give up the faith...no matter what the scan shows.

Pray for us...for peace, for healing, for continued faith. We appreciate you all. Thank you.

Fighting for Joy

2010-03-30T09:00:00.003-05:00

My good friend, Genia, told me last week that she is "fighting for my joy." Genia is going through chemotherapy treatments again has a similar diagnosis as Steve does. Like Steve, Genia remains steadfast in her belief that she will be healed...either in this life or the next. They are both strong in their faith and strong in body and spirit (as is Genia's husband Jesse, whom I walk this path alongside). The thing that really struck me about our last dinner together was the idea of fighting for my joy...or rather (I think it deserve capitalization) Fighting for My Joy. The philosophy is simple and profound and one I'm working to live out in my daily life.

Joy isn't happiness and to be honest, the whole idea of "the pursuit of happiness" seem futile to me. Happy just means everything is going your way...that you're getting your way...there's nothing very altruistic about that...in fact it's pretty selfish, if you ask me. Joy, on the other hand, does not rely on circumstance or even preference...it's a state of being...one, most definitely, worth the fight. Joy is internal, spiritual, supernatural...it's something that makes people wonder if you're not just a little bit crazy (laugh) because you can smile in the midst of anything...even chemotherapy. That's Genia. That's Steve. That's what I strive for...joy...not happiness, not the perfect situation, not for things to go my way...but joy: peaceful, unending joy.

It has been said that Attitude is the difference between and ordeal and an adventure. I like that...I make mugs and t-shirts that say that! (laugh) It's so true too. X + Y = Z where X is the situation, Y is our attitude and Z is the experience. I can't usually change X, but I'm totally in charge of Y and it's Y that changes the value of Z...and I use the word value on purpose because any situation can be valuable if we choose to learn from it.

So many ideas are in my head today...Joy, Attitude, a little bit of math (smile)...I just had to share. Now on to an update about what's going on with us...

Steve was scheduled to have chemo this week, but postponed it a week so he could enjoy Easter, visiting family and a tax appointment (ok, so maybe not that last one). It always makes me nervous when the chemo schedule changes because I jump between two extreme thoughts: (1) That chemo can be changed because he's doing well and can take a break without consequence or (2) that chemo isn't going to cure the cancer so it doesn't really matter if he takes a break or not. Pretty heavy stuff. I'm not sure what the actual reason is, but I know the goal is to manage the cancer and maintain a high quality of life...whatever that really means.

So no chemo this week, but he'll pick back up next week. He's going to be trying a new nausea drug that we hope will make a difference. It dissolves in his mouth and goes directly into his system, which should avoid the problem we've been having where he takes a pill and then vomits only to wonder if any medication got in his system or not. I have also been reading studies about ginger and specifically ginger capsules that are taken in the seven days prior to chemo. We all know that ginger can ease stomach distress, but apparently taking it in the seven days prior to chemo has a big effect on nausea. Taking it on the day of chemo only, doesn't have an effect so the idea is to have it in the blood stream before chemo starts. Since ginger is a spice and will probably never be sold for a high price, drug companies aren't quick to study it...there's just no monetary return in it for them. Alternative (read: non-pharmaceutical) treatments are often overlooked because of the lack of research, but anecdotal evidence is there and treatments usually come with low or no side effects so many are safe to try. Ginger can interfere with blood's ability to clot so if that's an issue, it probably isn't a good choice. We're going to check with our doctor to see if "ginger therapy" may be worth a try...she's tends to be very open to things like this.

Generally, life is good here on Falcon Drive. We love our three little dogs and are glad that our neighbors do as well since they seem to be escaping a lot lately. We're having our back yard fenced in to avoid this and new front steps poured to finish off the exterior redo of the house. I am still going to the gym to lift weights and am hoping to add in a few more types of exercises in the coming weeks. I love the way working out makes me feel and am already able to wear some clothes that were too tight just a month ago. I'm starting a new contract job this week with Pearson...going to be scoring standardized tests via my home computer. The contracts are about a month long and so far I've been hired for two of them. June will bring on the summer tutoring season and if last year was any indication, I'll have a full schedule. Steve loves his job at Van Meter and they continue to bless us with more than an income and benefits, but with a lot of support and friendship. Yeah...life is generally pretty good, but even so I'm Fighting for My Joy and will continue to do so even if things get difficult.

Before I sign off, there are some situations in which we could use some prayer...some for us, some for others:

1. Pray that the Steve is completely healed. That there are no traces of cancer in his body. He has a scan coming up in April/May which will show us how the chemo is working. Believe with us that God wants to heal Steve and that soon the scans will show no signs of cancer in his body.

2. Pray for our friends Genia and Jesse and Lisa and Chris...both couples are fighting a battle against cancer. Pray that they receive all the joy and peace available to them and that God removes any traces of cancer from both Genia's and Lisa's body.

3. Pray for my Grandpa John who is having planned surgery today to repair his heart. Pray for a quick and complete recovery.

4. Pray for me, that my knee and ankle heal and that I am able to exercise and go about life without pain.

5. Pray for the kids you know that are going through difficult times. Whether they be family struggles, school problems or just growing up in a day with so many choices...pray that children are kept safe and that they are treasured and loved for the gift that they are.

Thank you for reading this l-o-n-g post and for being part of Team Zieser. Let us know how we can pray for you. Also, during this time of Passover and Easter, remember what these holidays are meant to represent. You can read all about it here: Matthew 28:1-20; Mark 16:1-19; Luke 24:1-53 and John 20:1 - 22:25

Posts from Facebook

2010-03-18T08:56:00.005-05:00

Facebook has been such a wonderful tool for us lately...a virtual coffee shop where we can run into friends, connect and share the events of daily life. A few months ago we started a Team Zieser group which now has over 400 members...over 400! We are truly encouraged each day by our Team and know that this path has been made smoother due to the kind words, thoughts, prayers, support and love we receive. Before I paste some of our facebook posts into this blog post, here are some quick links on how to find us on facebook.

Click Here to Friend Steve

Click Here to Friend Jenn

Click Here to Join Team Zieser

Now on to some recent posts...

More than a Little Humbled (Steve)

Those of you who have been with us for a while know that while there is a lot of talk about me here, I rarely poke my nose and and say anything. I don't know why; it's not that I'm not chatty. But usually Jenn fills everyone in and does such a good job of it that I really never have anything to add. Well, today is different.

I noticed in the updates that a few folks had joined up with Team Zieser recently, so I checked the group to see how many people there were reading this thing. Over 400??? I was shocked. And more than a little humbled by that.

After all, I'm just me. There's nothing terribly special about me other than I got colon cancer at an early age. I get treatments, I go to work, I waste time watching History Channel and spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if the rear-firing phasers on a Federation war destroyer are really that useful against a Romulan Seahawk at medium range.

What is special about me is that I have the most wonderful wife in the world. She has stuck by me through all the surgeries and treatments and sicknesses and has been my rock. She takes great care of me and humbles me with how much she loves me. She also makes an awesome corned beef and cabbage which I enjoyed last night and will enjoy again today. Jenn is the best and I truly regret every year that goes by that I did not find and marry her sooner than I did.

So, anyway, I thank everyone who supports us and blesses us with their cyber-presence here. God has truly blessed me and I am truly humbled to have so much support and care. The Lord bless you all!

Jenn's Status Update on Thursday, 3/18 at 8am: In fear of being seen as a person who constantly complains, I just want to say that chemo is a rough go right now. Steve was really sick last night...we tried taking one of the meds we are suspect of (the lesser of the two) and it seems to have worked a bit. Add to that some special tea given to us by a friend and Steve is now able to sleep...maybe I'll try too.

Jenn's Status Update on Thursday, 3/18 at 10:30 am: Good news! Steve is up and feeling better...he even took a shower and went out to get Starbucks. I'm so happy! He's even going to go out and walk the dogs...wow!

Good Good Morning

2010-03-04T09:06:00.004-06:00

Last night, as Steve was sick for probably the 8th time in just 12 hours, I asked God to show me what to do and immediately, two words came to mind: The Medications.

I thought back on when Steve seemed the sickest and it is always within about 30-45 minutes of taking either the compazine or lorazepam even though those drugs are prescribed to combat nausea. During chemo, they advise people to take the drugs BEFORE they feel sick so one can avoid the entire cycle of nausea. While this is usually effective, it hasn't been for Steve and in fact he seemed to be getting sicker and sicker with each treatment.

So last night at around 11:00 he stopped taking both drugs and since then he hasn't been sick and is actually feeling better than he has during treatment in months. Showering is usually something beyond what he can do during chemo because he's just so tired, weak and has to deal with all the tubing, machine, bandages, etc. This morning after breakfast and coffee, he took a shower...it may seem like a routine thing, but during treatment this is HUGE!

He is still taking the golden pill Anzemet which works on nausea in a different way and is something that seems to work for him. It's a once-a-day pill which is nice because he doesn't have to think about the fact that he needs meds several times a day...the mental of all this is bigger than I could have imagined.

So we're home and we're feeling good relatively speaking. My knee is feeling better and I plan to go back to the gym tomorrow. Moses is recovering (for those not on facebook, we had to rush him to the vet yesterday with a very series problem...fortunately the best outcome occurred and he's home with medication) and the rest of the dogs are doing well.

Thank you all for your prayers...they are making a difference and the support we feel tremendous. I wish I could thank everyone personally by telling you all how much each word, email, message, phone call, letter, prayer, etc. means to us, but words don't exist. Know that we feel the love and that we are asking God to repay every kindness 10x over. Thank you so much.

Lots of Things

2010-03-03T02:31:00.005-06:00

I have a lot of things to write about...some are good, some not so good, but in everything we give thanks. Watching the news really puts things in perspective for me. Here we are fighting a battle, going through a trial while all over the world people are facing tremendous loss. Earthquakes, tsunamis, violence, illness...so many people hurting, so many in need. We are so fortunate to live where we do and I thank God every day that we have warm home and friends and family who care for us. Imagine going through the most difficult time in your life in a place where everyone else is doing the same? Imagine.

So while the things in our life are big to us, I want to keep them in perspective and give thanks for all that we have. Here are some of the things that have been going on with us in the past few weeks (in no particular order)...

-- We got a new puppy. Sadie Grace is a very non-standard Dachshund and a complete joy. She was not a planned addition to the family...at least not by us (smile), but we can't imagine life without her now that she's here. Sadie is about four months old and is a bundle of love and joy. She has totally fallen in love with Steve...which many of you know is a good thing since the Chihuahuas REALLY tend to favor me (understatement). Lily and Sadie play for hours and Moses is glad to finally get a break and that Lily has someone else to boss around for a while.

-- Reality hit last weekend when we had to cancel a get-together that had been planned for over a month. The night before the event Steve realized that he just didn't have the energy (physical, emotional and otherwise) to host dinner for friends and we had to make phone calls to let everyone know we had to cancel. Many of the phone calls were teary as I realized that things are hard no matter how normal I want them to be. The wonderful part was all the kindness shown us by people who understand and care. We are truly blessed.

-- Steve can drink Diet Coke again. Yes, we know Diet Coke isn't a health drink and judge us all you want for drinking it, but believe me when I say we know the facts. Diet Coke has been our vice...one that actually brought us together when we first met (we both have an unnatural love for the substance). For months now, Steve was unable to drink it because chemo made it taste horrible. He tried it again this week and it tasted just as delicious as before chemo started. To us, this is a celebration...normalness has returned...even in this small way.

-- Yesterday I was out buying mulch and slipped on the ice. Lowe's was great about it and are paying for my x-rays and doctor visit. There is no bone damage, but I most likely tore some tissue in my knee. It's pretty painful and the anti-inflammatory drugs don't seem to be touching the pain. Falling on the ice at 40 is more an event than falling when I was 20. I hurt EVERYWHERE and moving around is difficult...sleeping is as well, which is why I'm writing this at 3am.

-- The thing that bugs me the most about the fall/injury is that I won't be able to go to the gym today. I joined Mercy Fitness Center last week and have been working out M-W-F and loving it. I have always enjoyed lifting weights and with the TVs and magazines, am not even minding the treadmill as much as I thought I would. Today my workout is called off, but I hope to get back in there by Friday at the latest. I love this new lifestyle and the thought that was going through my mind as I was falling on the ice was "Oh great, now I'm not going to be able to workout." Yes, this is really me writing this! (smile)

-- Chemo is today and Steve is in a good place. I won't be able to take him due to my knee, but he feels strong and ready to go through treatment. I pray and pray and pray that this round is easy on him and that there is no sickness or complications. Please join me in that prayer.

So that's some of what's going on with us. We are so grateful for all the prayers and help we've received and continue to receive...it's a great feeling knowing we are loved and cared for...that we aren't in this alone. People keep asking "What can we do for you?" and I think I finally have an answer to that because of what we've experienced so far: You can understand that we're going through a difficult time. You can be patient with us if we have to cancel at the last minute or seem self-centered or complain-y. You can pray for us and ask that we are soon done with this trial, that we can quickly learn the lessons there are to learn and can move forward. It's also really helpful to us when someone says "I'm going to do xyz for you...when is a good time?" It's wonderful to know we can count on people who say "we want to help" and then help beyond what we could imagine.

This is all very rambling so I should end here, but I want to leave you with a thought: Everyone you meet is going through something difficult. It may not be the most difficult thing in the world, but for them, it's the most difficult thing in their life right now. Be compassionate. Be kind. I'll try to do the same.

Learning Compassion

2010-02-21T09:56:00.002-06:00

Chemo has been survived. Steve had a rough time of it...lots of vomiting...lots. When we went back to Oncology on Friday, we stayed an extra two hours so he could get some IV fluids which he desperately needed. The fluids make him start to feel better right away and even though he probably could have used two bags, they let us go home after one because we were both really tired. After several hours of sleep, Steve awoke STARVING and started eating and eating and eating. This is a good thing. He gets very specific cravings which seem to start out with high fat food and end with a salad made with fresh spinach. Hey...he knows what he likes!

I ended up crashing yesterday and slept the entire day only to finally get up around 4pm to have dinner and socialize a bit with Steve and the dogs. I don't always realize how tense I am until Steve starts feeling better and then I can just relax...and obviously, relax I did.

This round of chemo taught me a lesson that I want to pass on without sounding too preachy or self-righteous. We'll see how it goes. (smile)

Driving back from chemo on Friday and on my subsequent trip to the grocery store, I was a bad driver. I stopped at a corner without a stop sign causing the people behind me to have to stop too. I entered 380 a little too slow which caused people to get frustrated and big SUVs to speed past me gunning their engines. I waited a little to long at a stop sign because I overestimated the distance of the car coming toward me...I could have pulled out and turned left much sooner than I did. I probably did some other things that while not terribly dangerous, were annoying to the other drivers on the road.

The thing I realized was that my driving was greatly affected by the amount of stress and weariness I was feeling. My brain just wasn't working as smoothly and as quickly as usual and my reflexes and decision making processes were slowed noticeably. I thought about this later and remembered times when I was really frustrated with other drivers who did the same things that I did on Friday. It dawned on me that maybe they weren't just "bad drivers" or "stupid," but that they might be stressed or tired or worried or people who have spent a lot of time taking care of someone else only to have little more to give. All this can show up in driving and while it's important to be aware when behind the wheel, sometimes you're doing the best you can and just have to get somewhere.

So anyway...that's the lesson...one of the lessons...I learned this week and I hope it sticks with me. Next time I get frustrated with someone for doing something that inconveniences me, I hope I remember that there may be a reason why they're acting the way they are. Next time, I hope too, that I'll be patient and compassionate because everyone is walking a hard road in one way or another.

Thank you for your prayers...they give us strength. Let us know how we can pray for you as well.

Preparing for Battle

2010-02-15T10:26:00.004-06:00

Steve is armed with a new set of weapons and is ready to start chemo again...I think we had underestimated the mental challenges of treatment and how real they are. He is now armed with a lot of good information and insight, helpful techniques and a determination to go into battle once again.

Chemo will be from Wednesday to Friday as usual. Prayer warriors unite and prepare for battle! It sounds silly to say that, but we know the power of God is accessed through our communication with Him. Thank you for standing with us, for fighting along side us, for caring for us...we truly could not do this alone.

In search of peace...

2010-01-31T15:55:00.004-06:00

While nothing has changed, both Steve and I feel we have lost our nerve (Steve's description...and it fits well) concerning treatment. Steve decided to skip his last treatment because he didn't feel up to it and wasn't in the right state of mind to deal with all that chemo entails. He is scheduled for chemo this week (Wednesday-Friday) and already we are both experiencing anxiety and...well...fear. I'm reminded that perfect love casts out fear and that God is love perfect. Whenever there is fear, we know we have grace and strength and love available to us...we just sometimes need a little help capturing it. Today (and tomorrow and the next day, etc.) we could use that help. We ask for your prayers to include us and that we find the peace and joy that we know is out there. Thank you and as always, let us know how we can pray for you.

On the Edge of Change

2010-01-10T15:58:00.002-06:00

Do you ever get the feeling that something is going to happen...that a change is on the way? Depending on your history, this feeling of anticipation could bring on waves excitement or dread...sometimes a little of both.

At the end of December, Steve woke up and said "2010 is going to be the year of favor from the Lord. Rejoice!" He isn't sure if it came to him in a dream or if he was awake or somewhere in between, but he knows what he heard and is certain it is true.

It's taken me a few weeks to fully join him in his rejoicing. The past four days (3 with chemo) have been hard and it seems like on Saturday he starts feeling normal again while that's the day I start wearing down. We have a little routine going...he does chemo for three days and then I collapse for two or three. It works for us. But back to the rejoicing...

I know things can always be worse and life has basically taught me that no matter what I'm going through, someone else is going through even more. It's not one of those "just be grateful that you don't..." type of things, but more a mindset of perspective. No one is ranking us on who has the most difficult life and even if they did, I can't imagine I'd get out of the bottom 25%.

Ok...so that may not sound like rejoicing, but it's getting there. I thought about making this post about all the blessings we have received, but I don't see how that would really help anyone. I could also post about all the difficulties we've faced, but that would help ANYONE! So I'm simply going to write about rejoicing.

My feelings of "something is about to happen" lines up well with Steve's conviction of 2010 being a year of favor. I truly don't know what's going to happen, but I can truly say that my God has never let me down and even the most difficult things in my life have turned into gold. That reminds me of one of my favorite quotes...

When the Japanese mend broken objects they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold, because they believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful, --Barbara Bloom

God does this to us. He mends our damage with gold so that we become more beautiful and valuable. Not more valuable as individuals, but more valuable in terms of being able to help others. We all know how comforting it is to talk to someone who has "been through a lot" because they aren't going to just tell us "I'm sure it will be ok" or "look on the bright side." Instead, they know that things don't always turn out the way we want them too and that sometimes things are so bad that they take our breath away. Those are the people, however, that can speak truth to us...the people who can say "you can survive this" and mean it. That's the kind of person I want to be.

So if 2010 is going to be the year of favor from the Lord, I'm going to accept the gold that God wants to give us. We may feel damaged now...full of cracks and chips and bent all out of shape, but I'm going to rejoice in that because it means the gold is coming!

I encourage everyone reading this to think of areas in their life where they feel damaged or broken and then ask God to fill those broken places with his gold. Rejoice with us in 2010 and anticipate change and favor...then be sure to come back here and let us know about it. I'm excited to see what God will do!

Chemo Time Again

2010-01-05T23:14:00.003-06:00

Steve will start chemo again at about 9am on January 5...just a few hours from now, actually. We could use prayer for strength...more for me than for Steve, once again. Steve says that 2010 is when the cancer will be gone...I'm believing this with him. In the meantime, I find my blood pressure high, my muscles so tense I ache and all my energy zapped. I don't know how he stays so strong and so peaceful, not to mention hopeful. I have a lot to learn. In the meantime, if you could pray that this round of chemo goes smoothly, that Steve does not experience any sickness and that the medication heads straight for the tumors without damaging any other cells or organs. Also pray that I am strong enough to be a help for him...to care for him when he needs me most. There is a lot of negativity in the world, but it only makes those with light in their eyes shine more brightly. Thank you for being on our team...the support helps us through.

The Journey

2009-12-07T09:33:00.003-06:00

I didn't realize how long it's been since I blogged until I looked at the last date. Guess I didn't have much to say...which is kind of hard to believe in my case. (smile)

This last chemo (ended on Friday) was really hard on Steve...even last night he wasn't fully back to himself yet. He was able to go to work today and says he's tired, but said he is going to try to keep up a good pace. The Ziesers all have a tremendous work ethic and I'm sure that even on Steve's worst day, he's exceptionally productive.

Thanksgiving was great. We spent a lot of time with family and enjoyed the break from chemo. I will admit that it concerned me somewhat to know that Steve was not getting treatment, but the break was much needed so we could enjoy the holiday.

I realized a few things the past month and a lot of it revolves around thankfulness and perspective. A friend posted a quote on his facebook page a while back that got me thinking about prosperity and happiness. I settled on a truth that has been encouraging me to focus on what I have rather than what I wish I had (or wish I didn’t have). While this can sometimes be material things, for me it's more about life circumstance. I ask you this question: Who is richer...the person who has a lot and wants more or the person who has little, but is content with what they have? Obviously, true wealth lies in not striving, but in peaceful, grateful living. That's what I want...and I need to remind myself of this whenever I start thinking "What if..." Of course, the reality is that even if I'm content with what I have, life happens and sometimes what happens isn’t so great.

Maybe I'm just in a philosophical mood or something, but I got another life lesson this weekend while watching Lord of the Rings. For those who know us well, know that Tolkien is a constant in the Zieser house. We've seen the movies several times and yet I always forget how good they really are until I watch them again. So anyway...for those who aren't fans of the Fellowship, I'll recap...

Frodo is on a mission to rid himself and his world of a ring (which I think is a wonderful representation of Adler's power theory, but I digress...). The ring, if in the wrong hands, could cause great destruction and trouble for all those in Middle Earth. So the Fellowship goes forward on their quest to dispose of the ring and subsequently meet with conflict after conflict, attack after attack and hardship after hardship. They have a clear goal of what they want...at least Frodo does...and they know they are doing the right thing. Whenever they get in a situation that seems totally hopeless something or someone intervenes and they move forward. This is what really got me thinking.

Steve and I are on a journey. We know where we want to go, we know it’s a good thing and we know how to start out, but we really have no idea what lies before us and the troubles and trials we may face. Sometimes it seems hopeless (today is one of those days for me) and it seems there is no possible way to succeed and yet there are forces that are helping us along our path. Steve and I know that God is the overseer of our journey and while we have free will and choose our steps, we can allow ourselves to be guided by the one who knows all outcomes. I do struggle with trying to understand why we have to continue down this path, but am also grateful for what it has allowed me to learn.

Another movie that really inspired me was Luther...the story of Martin Luther who brought about the reformation. At one point Luther was distraught over the manipulations and injustices brought about by religion when his mentor told him that faith is not about religion, but about a relationship with God. He said that Luther did not need to go through the rituals and customs in order to be free...he only had to believe in the savior. All Luther did was say "Jesus, I am yours. Save me." and his life changed. What powerful words...devoid of religion and obligation and guilt...so simple and yet so powerful.

As always, I start out this blog saying one thing and end on another. Bottom line is that I'm learning to be grateful for what I have while not remaining content with where I am. I don't strive for more material goods, but I long for more understanding, more faith and more wisdom. Jesus, I am yours. Save me. It doesn't mean we sit back and do nothing, but it does mean that we don't go forward alone.

We're all on a path and I read every day about the struggles people face. I pray a lot...whenever I hear of someone in trouble, whenever I hear a siren from blocks away, whenever I think of certain situations...I pray. Mostly I pray that people are given peace...maybe because that's what I desire most. Be sure to let us know how we can pray for you. We could also use prayer concerning the following...

Steve: That the cancer healed and removed from his body completely. That he has the strength to continue on with treatment. That his immune system remains strong and that he is able to avoid sickness. That he remains strong in his faith and maintains hope in a cancer-free future.

Jenn: That my blood pressure can be controlled (it's gone from normal to exceptionally high in the past few months). That I'm able to remain hopeful and keep anxiety from my mind. That I'm able to continue to work on my own health (weight, depression) so that I can better help Steve.

Thank you all for your ongoing support...we appreciate it more than you can know. Thank you. Thank you.

The Results and Plan

2009-11-16T14:00:00.007-06:00

Note: I'm sending this without proofreading because just writing this all zapped my energy. Some of what I wrote may seem diametrically opposed to something else in either word or tone as my attitudes and state of being often conflict with the ideal or what I know to be true. That's the human condition. On to the update...

I know I've updated on facebook (you can join our Team Zieser group by clicking HERE if you have a fb account), but I just realized this afternoon that I haven't shared the good news here on our blog.

The scan results came back showing the spots (tumors) in Steve's lungs are either smaller or the same, but the best news is that there are NO NEW SPOTS! This means that the chemo is working! After receiving this news, we made some plans with Dr. Nabi, our oncologist, on how to proceed. Here's what we decided followed by an explanation of why...

By the way...this last chemo treatment went amazingly well. Steve was sick only once and the rest of the days were as close to normal as we could hope. Of course he was more tired than on a normal day and much to his chagrin did not have enough energy to go to work. I know he would LOVE to be able to work during chemo treatments, but at this point it's just not possible. We thank God for keeping him healthy and are grateful for the new medication that seems to make a huge difference in how he feels. So now, on to our treatment plans...

November: No more chemo...we're taking a break to enjoy Thanksgiving with our families, who we are so very thankful for.

December: Chemo on the 2nd and 16th and then breaking for Christmas.

January: Doing chemo twice this month...probably on the 6th and 20th.

February: Will most likely have a scan done on the 1st and we'll get the results on the 3rd. After that it will be decided if Steve should continue chemo for a while or take a 2-3 month break. (Yes, a BREAK!)

Cancer treatment is very controversial, as in...no one really knows for sure how cancer will respond in each individual and what is the definite best course of treatment. We've done a lot of research and we have a wonderful oncologist who is open to different ideas and treatments including paying attention to quality of life and psychological health and comfort.

What they do know is that chemo doesn't work forever. That is a difficult thing for me to even type. Eventually, the cancer will not respond to chemo and added to that is the fact that a person's body can only handle so much for so long. Of course, new cancer treatments are being developed all the time and what we know and have available to us now may be minuscule to what we have available to us in a few years.

Dr. Nabi is of the belief that taking breaks from chemo (in Steve's case) is one of the best ways to insure this disease can be managed long-term. The opposing school of thought is that once chemo is started, it needs to be continued or else the cancer will increase. While this may be true...that the tumors may increase in size...it is also true that a person who is healthy will be able to fight back against the tumors more than someone who is weak, malnourished with a compromised immune system.

(I just want to say at this point that if my explanations don't seem clear or if I appear to be contradicting myself, it's because this issue is very emotionally charged as well as just confusing. Thank you for extending me the grace to write knowing those reading will understand if my phrasing and word choice isn't ideal.)

So...what we have in our future is most likely chemo and 2-3 month breaks from chemo to recover, re-energize, work and live. This was very good news to us and one that made the future look do-able and possible.

All this talk about treatment options, current beliefs and schools of thought brings to mind something that has been kind of a thorn in our side the past few years. Cancer seems to be a word that causes people to perk up and pay attention...it should and I'm glad there are so many programs encouraging people to get tested, to pay attention to warning signs, help those who are struggling, etc. On the flip side are those companies and organizations and even individuals (celebrities, ugh) who use the word cancer to promote their products and their own beliefs. To someone going through treatment or someone who has a loved one with cancer, nothing is harder than thinking there is a magic cure out there and if we only knew about it and used it, all this cancer stuff would go away. There is no magic cure. There just isn't.

It's irresponsible and ignorant for people to make statements such as "Chemo is poison and everyone who gets it eventually dies" or "A raw food diet will ensure that a person's cancer will go into remission and that they will be cured." While some people may be helped or hurt by certain treatments, there is no one thing that will cure cancer. As much as I enjoy a good conspiracy theory...there is not a cure for cancer being suppressed by the drug companies and there is not one thing in our environment that is causing cancer. It is true that natural treatments are rarely studied because there is not a lot of money to be gained by proving that fresh carrot juice (which we do drink) helps the immune system fight cancer. We know to avoid smoke and other environment toxins that don't promote life and we've switched to natural cleaners and products just so our bodies don't have to fight harder to stay healthy enough to heal. There are things that help, but as much as we want to believe, there is no cure.

We thank people for wanting to share information with us...products that they've seen work, treatments that they've seen not work, etc. It is difficult, however, to smile and nod when the person ringing up your groceries starts giving medical advice...or worse, watching a talk show where a celebrity comes on promoting a book claiming a cure. We have an oncologist we trust, we do a lot of research and we pray that God directs our path so that we are able to walk in health and wholeness. Other than that, we try to avoid news of the latest cure and are very careful where we go for our information online.

Anyway...I'm sure you can tell there are lots of things going on in my head right now and I admit to at times feeling desperate. When I start feeling that desperation is when I stop and refocus...I choose not to let my mind worry (for those who know me, this is a miracle within itself) and I trust in the God who is always there. There is a God who knows my past, my future and my present...the one source of True Love which brings health, healing and wholeness. That power is always there...like a faucet...I just need to turn it on and let the grace and peace and joy flow over me. That's where I choose to live.

Thank you all for reading, for being compassionate and understanding and standing by us through all of this. We know that you each carry burdens of your own and that sometimes reading our updates can add to your struggles...that's not what we want at all. We appreciate your prayers and want to pray for you as well. Prayer is so important not only because it allows us to help one another carry burdens, but let's us commune with the Power of Love that is always present. It's not about religion...it's about God...about Life...about Love...about Peace...about Grace. Tell us how we can pray for you.

Scan Monday

2009-11-08T20:31:00.002-06:00

Just a quick note to say that Steve has a scan in the morning to see how the chemo is working. We'll get the results on Wednesday morning and are looking forward to a good report. We know chemo works and that the type of chemo Steve has seems to respond well to it...we also know that God heals and it's that healing we are counting on. We could currently use prayer for a few things. (1) That the scan shows the cancer is shrinking...or better yet is GONE. (2) That we are able to stay peaceful as we wait for the results on Wednesday. (3) That I adjust quickly to the changes I am making in the meds I take. Thank you all for your friendship and support and prayers...it means so much to us! Let us know how we can pray for you as well.

Prayers Requested

2009-10-26T15:05:00.004-05:00

Steve has chemo again this week. After this session he will have another scan to see how the treatment is affecting the tumors in his lungs. He'll probably have the scan before the next chemo treatment...that's when they usually do it. Scans are always stressful and chemo is...well, chemo is too.

Please pray that the treatments are working better than they doctor expects and that a full healing comes to Steve...no sign of cancer in his body. Pray that this chemo session is uneventful and that Steve feels well throughout. So far, Steve is not having many of the lasting side-effects from chemo...his skin, mouth, mind and body seem to be staying strong and we are very grateful for this.

I need prayer mostly for my mental state. Ongoing stress is hard on a person and I know I have a natural weakness in this area anyway. Lately my head has felt really cloudy and I'm having trouble concentrating and doing the daily things that need done. I can feel a bit of depression sneaking in and I'm doing my best to combat it with the tools I've acquired over the years. Pray that my mind clears and I can do what I need to do to keep myself healthy and help Steve get through his treatment.

Thank you for standing with us during this fight. Knowing we aren't alone means more than one could imagine. I'm reminded of the verse that says: If God is for us, then who can be against us? We know God is on our side and that our battle is already won. May God bless you many times over for the kindness and prayers you send our way. Let us know how we can pray for you as well.

Nothing Normal

2009-10-15T10:12:00.003-05:00

Every chemo week is different and it can drive a person crazy trying to figure out why something works one week and not the next. These are the times we just ride the waves and laugh at inappropriate things. Like the other day when I was talking to my mom about food and mentioned that Steve really likes that pre-cooked bacon that can be heated up in the microwave. I ended by saying "yeah, it's probably not great for him, but what's it gonna do...give him cancer?” We just looked at each other and I laughed...Mom smiled, I don’t think she could bring herself to laugh. Cancer isn’t something normal people laugh about.

When Steve was first diagnosed, I began seeing him as a memory, as a spirit...as someone who was more than human...or less...I'm not sure. I felt very disconnected from him and kind of pulled within myself...almost like he was gone and I was living with what I remembered of him. I mentioned this to our oncologist and she said "yeah, that's pretty normal.” Normal...I like being normal. Normal means typical, usual, common...there are very few surprises in normal. However, normal is also a word that I despise because it also means "nothing special."

A few months ago when w found out Steve would need chemo, they told us that coming to the clinic every other week (twice) would become normal for us. To me, that sounded like death. As someone blessed with ADD, I thrive on novelty...routine bores me and even something as "normal" as working the same job for years seems beyond my abilities. So hearing that chemo and visits to Oncology would soon become normal squashed my spirit on so many levels. It meant that nothing will be new, nothing special...ironic, no? Look back to my first sentence. (smile)

So where am I going with all of this? I honestly don't have a plan...it's just coming out of my brain and through my fingertips. Maybe I'm saying that while caring and loving someone with cancer is difficult, my brain is set up to function in this world. Maybe I'm saying that what I thought was the end is actually just the beginning...the start of a new lifestyle, a new understanding...a deeper relationship with the man I love. Maybe I'm just tired and random because I stayed up late watching the documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer and listening to Steve throw up at 1am...a sound that tenses up every muscle in my body.

This blog usually just gives you a slice of our life at the moment. Sometimes I share inspiration, other times I share despair...today I'm just letting you all climb aboard our raft so that you too can feel the unpredictable waves.

Steve is asleep. I'm going to get some work done online. We're doing well. At last report Steve's nausea was at a 2 (on a scale of 1 to 10) and after a week of being sick, mine is finally back at a 1. Life is normal. Life is good. Maybe this isn't what we had planned, but when I look at things through my soon-to-be-40-year-old eyes, I see a lot of success, a lot of overcoming, a lot of grace and a lot of love. Thank you for your ongoing prayers...they are carrying us…they are our life jackets as we white water raft down this crazy river. It's sometimes a scary ride, but we have big smiles on our faces and all we can do is laugh. (smile)

So Much Better

2009-10-01T20:08:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update: The difference between chemo last time and chemo this time is amazing. Steve isn't sick, he's not feeling over-drugged and he even went out and ran an errand tonight! The new med is working great and he's not having to supplement it with the others...the ones that make him feel groggy. So while he's taking a lot of long naps, he isn't just zonked out for hours on end. This also means he's able to eat and drink more and I think he's probably gotten in as many calories as normal and shouldn't show signs of dehydration at all. We're fortunate to have anti-nausea meds available to us and know that not everyone is as fortunate due to their cost. If I had the resources, I would provide anti-nausea medications to every cancer patient who needs them. One small pill makes such a difference. Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, kind words and just for being part of our team. We appreciate it more than you can know.

Peace Available

2009-09-29T16:56:00.003-05:00

Today is chemo day and I think we're ready. Steve has a positive attitude and we're trying a new medication that will hopefully help him avoid the nausea he experienced last time. We know that PowerAde from Sonic tastes good so hydration is covered and Mom brought over delicious beef stew so we have good food covered too. I'll pick up a few more things at the store tomorrow (carrots for juicing, sandwich fixings and frozen White Castle burgers, which he claims just taste really good during chemo...smile). We had been looking for fudgesicles that weren't fat free because he needs the calories and then my sister called today and said she had looked up a recipe on how to make homemade pudding pops and will bring them over on Thursday. We are truly blessed by all the support we have from family and friends.

Steve and I do a good job of caring for one another and seeing where the other one is struggling...if nothing else, this experience has taught us how to work as a team. Tonight I saw he needed distraction so we played Rock Band for an hour or so. He knows that tomorrow will be hard for me so he encouraged me to take my cousin up on her offer to go to the museum with her and the kids. Steve and I try hard to make sure the other feels cared for and we live by the truth that marriage isn't 50/50...it's 100/100.

So we're prepared physically, mentally and spiritually, but our emotions remind us just how human we are. I'm not downplaying the blessing of emotions and it's pretty obvious I use mine to their full extent on a daily basis. (laugh) Anxiety builds and worry comes easy so I need to constantly remind myself that peace is always available...to all of us. Last night I didn't sleep at all...tonight I'm hoping for a few hours. My spirit knows peace, but my body feels anxious...another reminder that I am a spiritual being living a human existence. Without faith in my God, I don't know how I would cope and fortunately I'll never have to know.

Thank you all for your continued support, prayers, actions and kind words...I often can't express how much it means to us. In this life we will have troubles to be sure...but the burden is so much lighter when shared with a friend. Thank you friends...thank you for being part of our team. May the blessings you shower upon us be returned to you times ten.

Live in Hope

2009-09-24T09:22:00.002-05:00

If you follow me on facebook Me/Steve you know I've been posting about not relying on circumstance in order to be happy. This is a truth that I'm really growing into and one that I'm not sure I would have learned had life not taken us where we are today. Here are a couple of the posts I made on facebook in the last few days:

I'm learning that joy, peace, contentment and happiness cannot rely on circumstance. I can honestly say I'm happier now than I have been most of my life and not all of my current circumstances are ideal. Still...I have a blessed life and more than some will ever know. It's all about perspective, attitude and the willingness to transcend.

Thinking again this morning about how joy, happiness and peace cannot rely on circumstance. If you need life to go smoothly in order to be happy, you're in for a bumpy ride. Joy and peace must transcend daily life. Jesus gives hope and in that hope is where I choose to live today.

So basically, the reason I'm posting this is to send the message of hope out into the world. My hope doesn't come from me, it comes from God alone. I'm not someone who is naturally optimistic, happy and oblivious to life's problems...those who know me know this well. My current state is a testament to what the life can be when your trust is not in life, circumstance or other people. I don't always do it right, but Jesus does and that's why my faith is in him.

Please remind me of this hope which is available to all of us on days when I'm not trusting...on days when I look around and see the troubles of the world and feel like I'm drowning. Everyone has struggles and trials and difficulties, but we choose where we want to live. Today I choose to live in hope.

We Made It

2009-09-21T13:48:00.002-05:00

Well, we made it. Steve was very sick during the last few days, but we learned some things, are trying some new nausea meds and found that Powerade from Sonic tastes REALLY good and gives him the fluids he needs.

When we went back to Oncology on Friday at noon, we decided that he could use some IV fluids. His blood pressure didn't indicate he was dehydrated, but fluids always seem to make him feel better so we took the 2 hours needed to get the fluids. Steve slept and I read a magazine...the nurses and staff are so supportive, it was actually kind of nice to be there and get that added boost of encouragement and care.

Steve is back to work today and I just got back from a picnic with my sister, my three nephews and my two Chihuahuas...it was quite an adventure. (smile) Life seems pretty normal today and we like normal.

Last night I asked Steve if he thinks we can do this (this being the twice-monthly chemo treatments, etc.) and he told me that God won't give us more than we can do. It reminded me of the often-quoted sentiment from Mother Teresa: I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, emails, phone calls, visits and support...we can't tell you how important it is to us to know we aren't doing this alone. Go Team Zieser!

Good Night Good Day

2009-09-17T09:02:00.002-05:00

Chemo is going well. Steve is feeling good...tired, but good. He had some nausea in the middle of the night, but a dose of Compazine and a fudgsicle took care of it. This time around, he doesn't have the cold sensitivity side effect, which is making a huge difference. Drinking room temperature Gatorade can make anyone feel a little sick, so being able to drink milk, water or even a Venti Iced Coffee (light ice please) from Starbucks is a good thing.

At a later time, I do want to address the issue of answered prayers and prayers that seem to go unanswered. Right now it's a little fresh in my mind and soul so I want to get my thoughts together before I send them out to the world. I can tell you, however, that being separated from God is a dark place and it's not somewhere I want to be. Fortunately, I'm not and that is what's keeping me...well, sane.

Thank you for your continued prayers and please don't lose faith...remind me of the same from time to time too, ok?

Love and peace and hope to all.

Wednesday

2009-09-16T09:14:00.001-05:00

The tumors are larger.
Steve started chemo again.

Pray for Healing

2009-09-13T22:48:00.003-05:00

Steve's scan is only hours away and we are praying for a complete healing. The same power that raised Jesus from the grave is available to us today and we know God still does miracles. We ask that you pray with us that God touches Steve and when we see the scan results on Wednesday morning, they show his lungs clear and free of tumors. We know God can do this and we pray that his will be done. It can be difficult to trust God with such serious matters, but what else do we have? We have nothing, except God's peace, love, joy and grace and we ask that he have mercy on Steve and grant him complete healing.

We know God can heal...we've seen him do it so many times before. Two years ago Steve was told that his cancer was incurable and that he would die from the disease. God intervened in many, many ways and it is through his miraculous healing and that Steve is here today. My faith was shaken when the cancer returned, but tonight I sit here free of anxiety and worry and full of hope and faith. That, in itself, is a miracle and I praise God for giving me/us this gift.

So join with us in prayer, ask God to bring healing to Steve and that he is able to avoid going through chemo again. Whatever the outcome, we are eternally grateful to our savior, Jesus Christ, who died for us and saved us from our sin. If you haven't yet accepted this gift, it is waiting for you...along with a God who longs to show you his love and grace. Thank you for praying with us and as always, let us know how we can pray for you.

End of Summer

2009-09-08T23:38:00.003-05:00

Well, summer is over and while it wasn't what we had hoped for, we were able to do and accomplish some things we had wanted to do.

We took a trip to Chicago that we had planned twice before, but had to cancel...this time we went and had a really good time. We visited The Art Institute of Chicago and the Field Museum, ate some good food and stayed at a really cool hotel. It was nice to go away and just be together doing the things we love to do.

This past month we did some updates on our house and love the results. Since buying this house five years ago, we have spent most of our time updating the inside to reflect our personality and lifestyle and now the outside fits that look as well. We still have two big projects to get done before winter...pouring steps to create a new entry into the house and tearing down paneling so we can drywall the basement (this is due to water damage).

Steve will also soon be adding chemo to his schedule. He goes in on the 14th to get a baseline scan and will start chemo on the 16th. The plan is to do chemo every other week from then on out, but Steve doesn't think that will be the case. As much as I worry and cry and sit through sleepless nights, Steve is determined that he will not die from cancer. He told me that if he didn't think the chemo would work, he wouldn't even start it. As much as my faith has been shaken, I've chosen to believe with him.

Right now we could use prayers for two things specifically: (1) That the scan on the 14th (with results on the 16th) will show that the tumors have decreased in size or disappeared all together. (2) That I am able to believe with Steve and not be a hindrance to him due to my weak faith and anxiety about the future.

Thank you for praying for us and for loving us. Steve is amazing and filled with joy and hope...sadly, I am often on the opposite end of that spectrum. Thank you for being compassionate during this difficult time and understanding when we don't seem quite ourselves. Long-term stress really affects a person and while Steve seems to be thriving and shining, my weaknesses are exposed and my limits are made very obvious. I thank God for giving Steve the strength and faith that he has and as I said before, my desire is to be a help to him.

I know many wonder what to say or what to do and to be honest, there isn't really a right thing to say. It's ok to ask how we're doing, it's ok to talk about other things, it's ok to tell us you're praying for us and it's ok to just tell us "that sucks."

Thank you for all the kindness you've shown and continue to show...we truly appreciate all the support. I'll update the Team Zieser blog after our appointment on the 16th, if not before. In the meantime, you can join us on Facebook (see the tiny link at the top our blog) and be sure to let us know how we can pray for you.

Blessings and peace, Jenn

Live Life

2009-07-20T22:38:00.005-05:00

I know our last update was pretty somber. Since then, we've had time to process things, spend time with friends and family and be on the receiving end of a lot of prayers. We're doing ok. The circumstances haven't changed and cancer is always in the back of my mind (Steve is better about this...he doesn't let it weigh him down). We have to live in hope...that a miracle will happen, that new cancer drugs will emerge, that chemo will work better than they expect it to.

We've found that the most important thing is to not spend too much time alone...well, again that's me more than Steve. I try to make sure I have at least one thing scheduled each day so I don't just sit and worry or spend hours researching diets, supplements, therapies, etc. that might help Steve. Fortunately, my family is close by and my nephews are always happy to entertain and keep my mind off things.

I don't really have that much to say, but I wanted to give an update that was a little more hopeful. Steve and I area laughing, spending time together and just trying to live life as normally as possible. I've spent a lot of time in my life worrying about things that never happened and I don't want to lose the time we have now worrying about the future. It's hard to do, but possible...and worth it.

Overdue Update

2009-07-14T01:35:00.003-05:00

I put off writing this update because I've had a hard time processing it all myself. It seems that life was so good and then we get another blow and are back where we were. I do take some comfort in the old saying that one can never dip their foot in the same river twice because water is always flowing, but it certainly seems like a repeat of one of the worst times in our life.

Steve's test results came back and it seems the cancer has returned. He does not have a tumor, per se but many small tumors throughout his lungs. This means that there is cancer in his body and they say it's like blowing a dandelion...the little pieces float everywhere and no one is really sure where they are or when they'll start to grow. Chemo is effective in keeping the cancer back enough to prolong his life, but even the chemo that helps him live causes so much stress on his body...people can't do it forever. At this point with what we know and what is available right now, people can do chemo for about five or six years. They aren't giving him a statement of "this is how long you have left," but those are the statistics. His cancer is considered stage IV metastasized colon cancer...incurable, but treatable. So in about a month Steve will start chemo again and will get it every other week for the rest of his life. There can be breaks and like I said, things can change, but right now that is what we are looking at.

I'm trying hard not to see this as the period at the end of our life, but will admit that some days are harder than others. I've desperately searched for alternative treatments, for some kind of hope...something that will help him beat the odds and statistics, but aside from few things that may help make him feel better, there is little available and a lot of what is touted as a "cure" is actually very harmful. We have a great doctor and the staff at Oncology Associates is beyond wonderful. We can't get any better care than we do here and that is a blessing in itself.

Our life will change...our future will change...a lot will change. Our plans to adopt and/or be foster parents are now in the past. Steve will have side effects from treatment which will keep us at home...and we will need to be careful in terms of exposure to germs like before. Steve will continue to work as much as he can and Van Meter is being beyond wonderful and accommodating. Things could be a lot worse for us, but we have each other, our home, our family, our friends and of course our God.

I hate to write such a solemn post without a lot of hope for the future, but this is where we are right now. We ask for prayer and thank everyone for the understanding and support they've given us. We have a long, hard road ahead of us and I know we can't do it alone...we feel privileged that we don't have to. Thank you.

All Is Well

2009-06-17T15:26:00.005-05:00

I should have updated this last night, but we were exhausted after a full day...Steve at the hospital, me going back and forth. Today Steve is doing well...back to work, no trouble breathing, a little sore, but no real pain. He's definitely on light duty work-wise and at home for a few weeks which means no heavy lifting, mowing (our yard is a series of steep hills) or carrying around dogs bigger than...well...our own.

After visiting the ER yesterday, they took Steve up to a room for observation. He was on oxygen for about five hours before they took another x-ray and was then released. The radiologist asked our doctors (we're back with Dr. Cowden and Katie again...they're great) what procedure they did to show such a huge improvement so quickly and they said nothing...just oxygen. Well...oxygen and prayer is what Steve and I say...it was definitely not statistical and we're glad God doesn't care all that much for statistics. (smile)

So in the next few weeks, the air should reabsorb back into the lung and we hope to be able to start chemo some time after July 4. The biopsy results should be back in a week or so and will show for certain whether it is cancer or not (we're 99% sure it is) and whether or not it has a mutation. No mutation means a new drug can be tried, a mutation means he will take the chemo he took before...although we're grateful that some of the side effects are no longer a part of that.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. We are so energized by the support and feel renewed after every email, post, call or card. We can do this...thank you for being part of our team.

Pneumothorax

2009-06-16T11:24:00.002-05:00

I'm taking a minute to post before going back to the hospital. Steve developed a pneumothorax (collapsed lung) as a result from the procedure yesterday (biopsy and port) and is having trouble breathing. We're waiting four hours to see if it gets better and if not, they will put a chest tube in (longer recovery time). Right now he's not in much pain, can breath with oxygen and is in a pretty good mood (as usual). I'm on autopilot...doing what needs to be done and trying not to think too much.

Scan Results

2009-06-11T12:25:00.002-05:00

Well, our oncology appointment today did not give us the news we were hoping for. The spots in Steve's lungs have grown larger...not aggressively larger, but noticeably larger. This means it is likely cancer (she said about 99% sure at this point) and that the spots are large enough to biopsy. Steve will be getting the biopsy soon and they will also be putting in a port at the same time to save him an additional appointment.

Besides confirming cancer, the biopsy will be testing for a certain mutation in the cancer cells. If the mutation is NOT there, a new drug can be tried...if the mutation IS there, then Steve will use the same chemo treatment as before. He responds well to chemo and while it will not cure his cancer, it will hold it back enough so that his life is extended and the cancer does not spread quickly.

In the past two years, cancer research has produced some new drugs, which for Steve, will mean less side effects. He will not be cold-sensitive and will not have tingling in his fingers (which could lead to nerve damage). In 2009, there is not a cure for his cancer, but that doesn't mean there won't be in 2011 or beyond.

So now we live with cancer. We will not live each day to the fullest, we will not make the best of the time we have left, we will not try to do everything we ever hoped to do together we are just going to live. We'll sit on the couch and watch tv, we'll go to church, we'll see friends, we'll walk dogs, we'll continue to do foster care respite, we'll continue to work...we'll just continue, period.

Steve feels he is in this position for a reason and that God has something for him to do. This is a good place to be and one that cannot coexist with despair, although sadness, fear and depression are all unfortunately part of the human condition.

I will be starting my summer tutoring schedule next week and am looking forward to working with returning students, current students and new students. Steve enjoys his job at Van Meter and his art gigs as well. We currently do not have any foster children living with us and have put our adoption plans on hold. We will continue to do respite as we love spending time with kids and want to do our part to help children and families in need.

That's pretty much all for now. We've had hard times, we have a lot of good times and all we can do is look forward and take each day as it comes. Pray for us and let us know how we can pray for you.

Scan Today

2009-06-09T08:43:00.005-05:00

Steve has his CT scan today...actually, he should be in having it right now...and we get the results on Thursday. The waiting is often the hardest part, but this time we are blessed with having two children in our home which distracts us and brings us a lot of laughter. God is good.

--The spots in Steve's lungs will have remained the same size...still too small for biopsy.
--The spots have grown larger and can be biopsied.
--The spots have shrunk in size (no biopsy)
--The spots are gone.

If the spots have remained the same or have decreased or disappeared then we wait and get another scan in 3 months. If the spots have gotten larger and can be biopsied then this will be done and we find out if they are cancerous. If cancerous, a course of treatment will be prescribed.

After the test results we then need to decide what children we can care for. Of course, Steve and I would have a house full of children if we could, but obviously that is not possible. If Steve needs treatment that caused sickness then caring for a toddler would probably not be in our plans. This makes us sad, but we know there are many good homes open to caring for children.

What we have found out during the past few weeks is interesting: we are happier when we have children in the house. Steve and I have never had a desire or need to have children born biologically to us. We love each and every child who comes into our home as our own whether they be related to us, strangers to us or friends. My tutoring families will attest to this as I am truly devoted to my students and often have them here outside of their scheduled sessions.

So anyway...we will find out the test results on Thursday and like any other family, will decide from there what we need to do. We're grateful to the foster care system for allowing us to have children in our home. As many know we were devastated when China decreed that we were not fit parents and we are glad that the state of Iowa can see past this and to the people we are. We know our limits and while we know our hearts have none, our bodies do and the system is set up to work with this fact. Thank you to all our workers, supporters, friends and family...you've seen how happy we are and how blessed we have been. We hope to be able to continue the work that God has given us to do. Please pray for the health of all people as well as Steve specifically. Thank you.

Full House

2009-06-02T10:53:00.002-05:00

Welcome to June! It's been a long time since I've written; Steve and I have gone through various things during the past three months and have come into June finding ourselves in a very good place. Here are some of what's been going on around our house...

--Steve has started to get paying gigs for his artwork. He has done a few book covers and is now doing some illustrations for a book. He is getting well known around the gaming genre world and is being called upon to do more and more projects.

--Jenn experienced the loss of one of her graphic design shops...well...not so much a loss of the shop, but a loss of income. We're not sure whether it's due to the economy, corporate reconfiguration or whatever, but commissions were cut about 80% starting yesterday. The feeling of powerlessness is scary and I got a little taste of what some of you are experiencing when losing jobs. We'll be fine and I have other avenues to explore...if nothing else this experience gave me compassion for others during this trying economic time.

--We've been diligently praying for Steve's health and as many of you know he has a scan coming up on the 11th (with results given on the 13th). We are feeling confident that he is fighting off the cancer, but know that treatment may be in the future as well. Continue to pray for us and for complete healing.

--We are proud temporary parents to two wonderful kids...a 13-year-old boy (arrived last week) and a 17-month-old girl (to arrive tonight). We feel honored to be entrusted with their care for the next few months or longer and are looking forward to a summer of trips to the park (and possibly the zoo), spending time with family and just generally nurturing the children and sharing our home with them.

I guess I should take this time to acknowledge the thought that many of you are having right now: How can they possibly care for two children while facing more cancer treatments!?!?! The answer is simple...it's what we are called to do.

These children came to us through many, many twists of fate (or rather, gentle pushes of God's hand) and looking back it all makes sense, although we never could have imagined it. There were many mix-ups, miscommunications, often the timing was down to the minute (this wouldn’t' have happened if this wouldn't have happened)...it's all way too complex of a story for their arrival to be a coincidence.

We truly believe that God never gives us more than we can handle and believe this as yet another confirmation that Steve's cancer will be healed. He is feeling better than he ever has in his life (yes, that is a quote from him) and while it may seem naive or over optimistic, we believe we are prepared for this. Most great accomplishments seemed crazy at first...but we choose to look ahead and up instead of around...and we know God's will will be done.

Be assured, however, we are not going forward just hoping everything will work out...we've arranged for childcare, we've figured out finances, we have schedules made, rooms moved around and supplies bought...we've done the work. The task ahead of us is such a blessing and we feel humbled to have been chosen for this honored position.

Bottom line: There are now four of us and we come as a set. (smile) We look forward to seeing everyone in the coming months and thank you in advance for welcoming these wonderful children into your lives while we have the privilege of caring for them.

42 is the Answer

2009-03-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

On March 22, Steve Zieser will turn 42. If you’re a sci-fi geek (like us), you know that the number 42 holds a lot of significance. 42 is the answer to the most important question ever asked: What is the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything? [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams]

Of course, life is not sci-fi (did I just say that?) and can often be more serious than we expect. This was the case last week as we found out that the cancer Steve had beaten twice before has most likely returned. While this wasn’t the "answer" we wanted to receive...it is what we were given.

Fortunately, we haven't reached the end of the story...not by a long shot. Steve is not giving up hope...neither of us are. We refuse to allow the word cancer to hinder our life. We will continue to be foster parents, continue to pursue adoption, continue to reach out to others who are hurting and most of all we will continue to praise our God who was and is and is to come.

So, in about a week, when Steve turns 42 (and actually, even now) he will be able to tell us all the true answer to the age-old question: What is the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything? That answer...is love.

Love is a many splendored thing...love makes the world go round...all we need is love...but most of all: God is Love

On this most special of birthdays, I would like to shower my beloved husband with the love I know is out there. Not only to celebrate his birthday, but to fill his mind and heart and soul with all the love and encouragement that he so needs right now.

If you want to be a part of this celebration, please send cards and letters of hope, support and love to...

Steve Zieser
2533 Falcon Drive NE
Cedar Rapids IA 52402

Note that this email/post can be passed on to anyone and everyone. Steve is a wonderful man who continues to love and encourage others regardless of his circumstances. He is an inspiration to many and a hero to me. Thank you for helping us celebrate #42.

Jenn

PS. We have been keeping a blog of our adventures since the second diagnosis in June of 2007...ironically on our fourth wedding anniversary. We titled the blog Team Zieser because we know we can't do this alone. Feel free to join us on this journey by going to http://TeamZieser.blogspot.com where you can sign up for email updates or just read back through our story. We aren't anyone special...we're just two people who have been through some very difficult times together...and are still in love.

Scan Results

2009-03-11T16:09:00.003-05:00

This may be a repeat to some, but I'm really tired and just wanted to pass along the news. Here's the update I wrote on facebook...it pretty much sums things up. I will write more later.

We didn't get the news we were hoping for. The cancer has most likely returned, but it's too early to do a biopsy. Chemo is being planned for summer.

and

Actually, I should clarify this. The spots in Steve's lungs have gotten bigger and they are scattered. Surgery is not an option and there is no cure...only treatment. While it's too early to do a biopsy, the doctor said that it is most likely cancer. She set up a treatment plan that we may start this summer after a biopsy can be done. We didn't get a cancer diagnosis, per se, but our doctor is pretty certain that will be the result when a biopsy is done after the June scan. We know that God is good and that God heals. We will not turn our back on that truth and will continue on with our life. Cancer can not steal our marriage, our salvation, our happiness, our ability to give to others or anything that we value. We are actually more concerned about the people around us and the sadness they are feeling. We will pray that peace comes to those who care about us as this is difficult news to hear.

and

And you know...just hearing that people are standing with us is so important. We don't need anything material, we are going to be fine financially and our marriage is wonderful. It's just so important to hear that people care and that we aren't alone...we definitely aren't alone.

and

We are doing really well...called some family to make sure they were ok and reminded them to call us if they need to. I think we're both very concerned our friends and family right now...more than about ourselves. We were concerned that we would have to stop doing foster care, but from what we know now, that shouldn't be an issue. We'll reassess if Steve starts chemo, but for now life goes on.

----------
Feel free to pass this on to anyone you think might be interested.

Hope Replaces Fear

2009-02-16T10:17:00.002-06:00

The other day I read something on a friend's facebook page that really spoke to me in a deep way: Hope is Better than Fear. I thought about it for days and even a week afterward. Hope is better than fear. True enough statement...no one would argue that hope brings peace while fear brings anxiety and peace is definitely better than anxiety, right? But then I got wondering if it was possible to feel hope and fear at the same time or if they canceled each other out. I tried it, but found that choosing which emotion to feel was hard and not always possible...feelings are feelings. I did know, however, that I could choose my thoughts, or rather...I could choose which thoughts I kept in my mind...so I started there.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is Steve's upcoming scan. Most of you know the process, but if you're new to our blog, I'll recap. After two bouts of cancer, Steve is currently cancer free...meaning there is no cancer detectable in his body. He gets scans every three months to see if anything has changed in his lungs (where the cancer last occurred). They have been clear for the last year...until last month when there were some spots that appeared larger. Now, this could possibly be cancer, but it could also be a variety of other things...fungus (if you live in the Midwest, you most likely have some...fertile soil and all), scar tissue or even infection from a cold. Scans aren't without flaws...it all depends on when the photo is taken...at what point Steve is in his breathing cycle, etc…there a lot of things can cause one scan to look different from the next. Still...we have good radiologists and doctors here who can see beyond the flaws and last time they were slightly concerned.

So, there is another scan coming up and I am often terrified at what it will show. Since terrified definitely qualifies fear and if hope is BETTER than fear, I want the hope! I then began thinking of the situation in two different ways: (1) with the possibility that the cancer has returned and (2) the HOPE that there is no cancer in Steve's body at all. Care to guess which brought me the most peace? Yep...the hope, of course. Then I realized that while I was feeling hopeful, the fear subsided, but when I started to fear again, my hope left and my peace went with it.

While my thoughts really have no effect on the outcome of the scan at all, I can think the situation through both ways, but in the end, things will be as they are. What my thoughts DO affect is my daily life, my immediate existence...my peace, my joy. I have control over what I spend my time thinking about. I used to revel in my belief that I was a realist (read: positive thoughts are not realistic), but I've since learned that sometimes reality is better than we can ever imagine...it's not always gloom and doom.

Today I will choose HOPE over fear. I will chose to think hopeful thoughts...trusting in God to deliver all that he has promised. Whatever the scan results turn out to be, there will always be the hope and belief that God heals. Some demand that God work in ways that make sense to them...that he follow the laws of this world and the way we think things should be. I am, however, grateful for a God that can transcend all I know and can love us more than we could ever conceive possible. His love is real and it is hope. God is hope.

I challenge those of you reading who are facing hard times (and who isn't) that today you choose hope over fear. Many of life's situations cannot be changed by our thoughts, but our state of mind, well-being and daily existence is greatly affected by what we choose to keep in our mind…so let HOPE replace fear.

If you are going through a difficult time and would like to talk, email or have someone pray for you, please let us know. We have gone through difficulties in our life, but it has all been worth it if it means we can better offer compassion and understanding to others. You can use the following to contact us...we would consider it an honor if you did.

Jenn's email: jzieser@gmail.com
Steve's email: szieser@gmail.com

You can also find us both on facebook by searching "Steve Zieser" or "Jenn Anderson Zieser"

Living an Unselfish Life

2009-01-06T15:50:00.002-06:00

This spoke to me today...made me remember that it is not all about me, but about the greater good, about loving others and living an unselfish life. That the choices I make about my actions speak a lot about who I am and where my focus is. That I'm responsible for me and have been given the ability to live in a way that will benefit and not harm others. Good advice!

Colossians 3 (from The Message bible)

He Is Your Life

1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

3-4 Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

5-8 And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

9-11 Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

12-14 So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

15-17 Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

18 Wives, understand and support your husbands by [acknowledging] them in ways that honor the Master.

19 Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don't take advantage of them.

20 Children, do what your parents tell you. This delights the Master no end.

21 Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits.

22-25 [Employees], do what you're told by your [bosses]. And don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real [Boss], for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate [Boss] you're serving is Christ. The sullen [employee] who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn't cover up bad work.

2009 Communication Cleanse

2009-01-02T19:37:00.003-06:00

As the new year rolls in, I'm realizing I have a lot of unfinished business from 2008 and most of that is in terms of communication...email specifically. So I've decided to do a communication cleanse and I challenge each of you to consider doing the same...so we can all start with a clean slate. In 2009, I will try to answer all emails promptly so don't consider me pathetic if you receive a response 90 seconds after you email me. Remember...I work on the internet so my connection is always up...I do have a life...but my internet connection is really always up. Since most of the emails I need to respond to fall into six categories, I will just answer them generically here and ask that if anyone needs more information to please email me. Here goes...

1. Everyone in my family is doing well and for the most part we are all happy and healthy. We have some serious medical things coming up in our extended family and if you are a person of faith, we welcome your prayers. Email me for specifics.

2. Steve's cancer is in remission and although his last scan showed some spots in his other lung, these could very well be nothing or something benign other than cancer. We hold on to the knowledge that he has been healed from cancer and continue to follow up with appointments at Oncology Associates...the best care imaginable.

3. We are currently awaiting word that our home study has been approved and will then be starting respite for foster families. This means we will care for children in foster care when the family needs some time, when the child in foster care needs a break or when an emergency arises. We are currently not taking long-term foster care placements and since there is such a need for respite, we feel honored to be able to provide this service to families and children.

4. We are hoping that 2009 brings a child or children into our family through adoption. We are going through the steps to adopt from the foster care system, but are open to loving any child that is placed in our home through any means. We know a lot of adoptions are arranged through agencies and a lot through private circumstances. We want to let it be known that we are a couple with a loving home that wishes to welcome a child into our family. Our dream is that every child is able to stay with their birth families and be safe and loved, but a lot of things can happen to disrupt that. If that is the case, we hope that parents consider us when deciding who should care for their child. We have a lot of love, a lot of time and so much to share with a child...we're ready to be parents.

5. Jenn is still doing private tutoring and graphic design. I have openings in my tutoring schedule and can discuss the details via email or over the phone. Please email me if you have questions. In 2009 I opened my second shop and now have two up and running websites carrying my simple text-based designs. You can see them at http://Label-Me-Happy.com and http://LabelMeHappy.com Many people ask me about my online businesses and want to know more about setting up their own sites. Email me and I'll tell you what I know.

6. I do have my sister's new email address (she just changed it last week). Email me if you need it.

The last thing I want to mention is that I've recently starting using products from a company that produces high-quality, safe and effective nutritional, personal care, cosmetic and household cleaning products from a catalog (quoting their website). I do NOT sell these products and do not buy them from a distributor...they are direct mail-order without the middle-man. The thing I like is that I can slowly replace my commercial products with products that are green, biodegradable, non-toxic and are generally just amazing. Unlike other natural products, these are not high priced, but are highly concentrated so you use less and save on packaging, don't pay for the company to advertise, etc. This is not a sales pitch because again, I do NOT sell these products...I just use them. If you want more info just email me and ask.

Ok...so that's pretty much it. (deep breath) Like I mentioned before...I challenge everyone to do a communication cleanse to start the new year off with a clean slate. Below, you will find Steve and my most current web-info. Have a great new year!

Jenn email: jzieser@gmail.com

Steve email: szieser@gmail.com

Jenn facebook: http://www.facebook.com/people/Jenn-Anderson-Zieser/559230614

Steve facebook: http://www.facebook.com/people/Steve-Zieser/513619862

Team Zieser blog: http://TeamZieser.blogspot.com

Steve's blog: http://szieser.blogspot.com

Merry Christmas to All

2008-12-20T12:45:00.001-06:00

Once again, Steve has put into words, exactly what we are feeling this season. Head on over to Steve Zieser Has Nothing to Say to read his latest blog entry.

Steve's Scan Results

2008-12-12T12:56:00.002-06:00

Steve wrote a great post over on his blog at http://szieser.blogspot.com Go take a look...I couldn't have said it better myself.

Update in List Form

2008-12-06T23:32:00.004-06:00

Hello...it's been a while. I appear to be suffering from a rare strain of writer's block...well, maybe not rare, but certainly serious. Of course, it could just be that life is going on at a normal pace and we're enjoying the uneventfulness of it all. Still...I have people telling me that they've checked our blog and saw nothing new. This should tide those people over for a bit. (smile) Actually, since my writer's block is pretty severe, I'm going to write this update in list form. I'm a great list writer...not a great list DO-er, but a great list writer...you should see all my lists! They aren't hard to read either...nothing is crossed off. Yes, I'm hilarious. So now on to the list...

-- Steve has another scan coming up on Tuesday and we'll get the results on Friday. I dread scans, but we're told they get easier over time. Pray for us during this time and for Steve's continued health...we are truly grateful for his great healing and believe it was complete.

-- We're doing Christmas this year. We haven't really done Christmas in our house for about four years now, but we're back with enthusiasm! We bought a real tree so our house smells nice and pine-y and tonight (with the help of my nephews) have a beautifully decorated tree to enjoy for the next month. Our little Chihuahua Lily is having her first Christmas this year and right after we put the tree up she ran and got one of her chewies and put it under the tree. It was the cutest thing and is still there. How did she know?

-- We're so hopeful for the new year and today received what I took as a confirmation from God that everything is going to be alright. Years ago I was really struggling and asked God if he was really there. I was living in Vinton in an apartment building in the middle of town and for some reason asked God to send an eagle to show me he was listening. Would you believe that within the hour I started seeing something go repeatedly by my window? I looked out and it was a BALD EAGLE, right there in my front yard flying back and forth swooping in front of my first floor window. The newspaper ended up being called by someone and it even showed up in the paper...so no...I didn't imagine it. Anyway...we're starting to celebrate Christmas by getting a tree and some feelings of dread started flowing over me. Should we really count on the cancer being gone? Are we just in a holding area while the next trial builds just over the horizon? Just then...as we were sitting in the drive through at Starbucks, I looked up and saw a bald eagle flying right over our car. True story. Now, I'm all for coincidences because sometimes things just happen, but a bald eagle...just then...and over the Starbucks right next to Walmart?!? Anyway...God is faithful and while I don't hold trust in a bird, I do believe God reaches down to us where we are.

-- Steve and I finished up our foster care/adoption classes and received our completed home study today. Thank you to those who helped us by filling out forms and serving as references for us...we really appreciate the effort that took. So now, we wait to have our home study approved by DHS and we'll receive our license to be foster parents...although we will be doing respite instead of taking full-time placements. That means that when a foster family needs to go out of town or just needs some time away, we will take the foster children into our home and care for them. We are honored to be able to have this opportunity and look forward to serving families in this area starting sometime in January. We will also be approved by Four Oaks to adopt and will begin waiting to see what plans God has for us. We desire to be parents and while we hope that all children can be cared for by their birth parents, we know that isn't always possible and we want to step in and help. There are many ways to adopt...from the foster care system, by a private arrangement and more. Pray for us that a mother in need is able to connect with us so that we can have the privilege to parent her child. That sounds so strange to say, but that really is the reality of life right now and we feel called to fulfill that need.

Well, not much else is really going on with us other than the day to day. Work is good for both of us and I'm enjoying the December shopping season...it's when my shops really come to life! Aside from a few colds, we're healthy and happy and spend most of our evenings cuddled up with our Chihuahuas watching shows we recorded on DVR. Life is good...simple and good.

We wish everyone peace during this holiday season and pray that relationships are reconciled and families can celebrate together. There are a lot of people struggling right now and it's hard to always know what to do. Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ...who came to give us new life. When there's nothing else left, look up...ask for help and keep your eyes on him. If we can pray for you, please let us know...we know God answers prayers in his time and can stand in faith with you. Love to all and thanks for reading.

Scan is Clear!

2008-09-11T10:16:00.001-05:00

Steve just called and said not only was his scan clear, but that he gets his port out soon. This is a milestone because it means that the doctor doesn't see any chemotherapy in his future. We are beyond relieved and are thankful for your prayers. God is good.

Next Scan

2008-09-04T15:23:00.003-05:00

Steve will have his six month CT scan a bit early since our doctor will be moving her practice to Iowa City. We'll still be seeing a doctor at Oncology Associates and we've liked the interactions we've had with the new doctor, but will really miss Dr. Thrower...she's been such a big part of our lives these last three years.

Routine scans are not as uneventful as they sound. Steve will have his done on September 9 and already I'm feeling anxiety flowing in. Each scan can show one of three things...nothing, something and cancer. We always pray for the "nothing," of course and while cancer is the worst result, seeing something can be equally terrifying because then there is a long wait to find out what was seen. We wish to avoid this at all costs, but the fact that nothing we can do can change the outcome (other than prayer) makes us feel pretty helpless.

Actually, I should say that I feel helpless; Steve is feeling very confident that cancer is behind him and the trial is over. He is looking forward to getting his port removed which needed to stay in for six months after chemo ended. He will hopefully be able to have it removed this month during an outpatient surgery and "good riddance" is understatement about his feelings toward the matter.

So please pray for us, that the scan is 100% clear, that the port can be removed and done so safely and that September will pass without any difficulties. We hope all is well for readers of the Team Zieser blog and f you have a need that you would like prayer for, please email me at jzieser@gmail.com or Steve at szieser@gmail.com and we'll be happy to pray for or with you. Peace to all.

Unconditional Love

2008-07-30T21:33:00.004-05:00

I had the privilege today of spending about two hours with a newborn baby and a new mom. If you ever wondered if unconditional love existed, I can tell you that it does...I saw it today. While the baby is adorable, long-awaited and precious, it still does the typical baby things...sleep, eat, poop, repeat. The mom is also human with no super powers, but seems to have the ability to love in unearthly ways. It got me to thinking...

If a human being (the mom) can love a baby (sleep, eat, poop, repeat) with unconditional, unrestrained love...then how much more can God, with his super powerful, unearthly abilities love us? Today's mom (I'll just go ahead and call her Amber, since that's her name) loved her baby just because he was who he was...her baby. She didn't love him because he spoke four languages, runs his own construction company or even because he is so darned cute...she loved him because he was hers.

So what about our God? Does God love us just because we are his? Well, yes...but it's more than that. The bible tells us that we are "his" when we believe in him and accept the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross as a pardon for the sin in our life. So while God loves us because we are his, he also loved us before that...before we believed in him and that the sacrifice made for us took away our sin. Talk about unconditional love!

If you're like me, you have some things about yourself and your life that you'd like to see changed. Since we see things through human eyes, we often start to believe that God also looks at us the way we look at us. I don't think he does. Think about Amber and her baby...again...as precious as the little guy is, he really doesn't "do" anything or perform any tasks. Amber, however, doesn't focus on what he does...she loves him because of who he is. Could God love us this same way? I think so.

Amber said she could spend hours just staring at her baby...watching every movement of his hands, every grimace, every breath...she just can't get enough. I believe God also can't get enough of us and he doesn't expect us to perform in order to receive his love...he loves us whether we accept it or not! For those of us who know God and love him, this is a truth that allows us to breathe deep and relax, but for those who don't know him and who even reject him...it's an entirely different story. I mean, what would it feel like to read this and then go through the day knowing that the God you don't even believe in is actively loving you? No matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how much you protest, he loves you just the same. Annoying? I guess it could be...but he won't stop.

I love pop culture and the media (a journalism minor will do that to you), but I am forever frustrated with the way God and Christianity is portrayed. The media is the way a lot of people receive information about God and that's pretty pathetic. I hear people misquote the bible all the time and speak out with "authority" saying what God thinks about this or that. I suppose one could say I'm doing the same thing and I admit I only know in part, but years ago when I was depressed and on the edge of my life ending...I realized two things: There is a God and he loves me. I held on to that for about a year and although I began to understand more about God by reading the bible and listening to his still, small voice...those two truths really are the basis of my faith (shaken as it is at times).

So when you read this, know that my intentions are pure. I first wanted to share what I experienced today in terms of a mother's unconditional love and second, how that love is a reflection of God's love for us. While we often look at ourselves with disappointment and see every area that needs improvement, God is looking at us like Amber looks at her son...with unconditional love just because he is hers.

What in the World Have the Ziesers Been Doing?

2008-07-22T22:30:00.004-05:00

We received a phone call tonight from a friend in Dubuque (Hi, Jen H) who wondered if we were ok since we hadn't updated our blog in so long. We had to responses to that question (1) Yes, we’re doing well and (2) Hooray, someone reads our blog! Ok, so we know that our blog is read, but now that the main purpose of said blog is over (thank you Lord, for the absence of cancer) we feel kind of funny continuing to write. I mean, is our life so interesting that someone would want to hear about our daily doings and thoughts? Apparently the answer is yes, one person (Hi again, Jen H).

So, considering it's a mostly free country, I guess everyone has the right to read or not read. With that in mind, I'll keep on writing, but I won't feel bad if you want to unsubscribe from the blog mailings. Ok, that’s a lie, I will feel a little bad, but I also understand the need to unsubscribe from a mailing list so I promise to get over it.

Ok, with that's said...on to the post titled "What in the World Have the Ziesers Been Doing?" where you'll hear Jenn say "never say never" and Steve will say...well...I'm not sure what Steve will say...but you can go read his blog (which he should be updating shortly) at Steve Zieser Has Nothing to Say and find out.

Let's do this post in FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) format to make it easier on all of us...

Q: Were the Ziesers affected by the flood?
A: No, not directly. We actually live fairly close to the river, but we're on such a high hill that the water didn't come anywhere near us. Our community is definitely suffering and so many places we used to go are now destroyed and may not be rebuilt. Our loss is incredibly insignificant compared to the loss others experienced, especially those who are now homeless and jobless.

Q: What ever happened with the whole hamster fiasco?
A: We're happy to report that Tabitha (the third hamster) is bright eyed with a bushy butt and doing quiet well. We got a hamster ball for her to run around in and she loves exploring the house and challenging the dogs, who amusingly back away.

Q: DogS?! Have the Ziesers been buying puppies again?
A: Yes…well…one puppy. Her name is Lily and she is fawn colored Chihuahua who we now can't imagine living without. She's four months old and already trying to rule the house (as Uncle Roger predicted)...including Moses, who alternates between being her best friend and tolerating her. This is the part where Jenn says "never say never" because I've said again and again that I will NEVER have another puppy. Well, we have a puppy and Steve was right...it is more fun having two.

Q: Do the Ziesers still have carpeting in their house?
A: Very little. We are in the final stages of having hardwood floors installed and are falling in love with our house all over again. We have loved our house since we first saw it from Carole Benson's car. Carole Benson (for those looking for a realtor) is the best of the best...click on her name to go to her website.

Q: Has Steve fully recovered from surgery and chemo?
A: It seems so. We honestly don't even think of it much anymore, other to be grateful for his complete healing. Actually, we have to remind ourselves that's it hasn't even been six months since the last chemo so it’s ok if we aren’t totally back in the swing of things. So, aside from some physical changes due to the surgeries (he can get winded a bit easier now), everything is fine and we're enjoying good health.

Q: Can we ask how the adoption process is going?
A: Sure! We appreciate people being sensitive to our feelings after the tremendous loss of our first adoption, but we are actually doing well. The adoption class we need to take before being able to adopt will start again in August and we hope the third time is the last time (the first time we need to stop and then the second class got canceled). We look forward to adopting two children from the Iowa Foster Care program...we are thinking two sisters, but are open to parenting any child who needs us. Until we do become parents, we are enjoying the children of others and rarely go even a few days without visits from our small friends.

Q: What about work? You guys work don't you?
A: Yes, we work, but we both enjoy our jobs so much it often doesn't seem like work. Steve is still in Quality Assurance at Van Meter Industrial (probably the best company a person could work for) and goes in each day with a smile on his face and comes home with one as well. I'm still tutoring (it's a busy summer) and am also designing for and running two shops online: Label Makers and Label Me Happy My original at CafePress shop is very successful and I'm excited about my new shop with Zazzle which is building momentum. My Zazzle shop is still new and came to be after someone from Zazzle saw my designs and offered me a contract to expand my brand to their site. What started out as a hobby has turned pretty lucrative and I had no idea even two years ago that I would be making a living doing what I do. I do want to point out that some of the designs you see "suggested" on my sites are not my designs. All my designs are family-friendly and while both CafePress and Zazzle contain great products, not all contain sentiments that I personally agree with.

Q: Anything else going on?
A: Not much really. Steve and I are still madly in love, our faith is growing in consistency and we're enjoying life here on Falcon Drive. I have struggled a little bit in the past months with understanding the whys of life, but God is patient and forever kind and I'm learning to trust even in the midst of misunderstandings. Steve and I strive each day to show others the love God has given us to give and try to make the lives of others a little easier. We don't always succeed in our mission, but we do truly love the people around us and hope that even in our inadequacies, God's true love shines through us.

So that’s an update on us. What about you? How are YOU doing? Drop us a line at jzieser@gmail.com or szieser@gmail.com and we can catch up. You can also find me on FaceBook by clicking RIGHT HERE (Steve is no longer on FaceBook)

Still Cancer-Free!

2008-07-15T11:07:00.001-05:00

I'm between students so only have a minute, but wanted to be sure to post that Steve is still cancer-free! All scans came back clear. Our God heals.

Waiting on Scan Results

2008-07-13T22:19:00.006-05:00

Steve's routinely scheduled scan snuck up on us, which probably isn't a bad thing. He had it on Friday and we'll find out the results on Tuesday. Knowing that in two days we may hear news that changes our lives forever (again) is an indescribable feeling and one I wish we could avoid. It hasn't been that long since Steve's last chemo treatment (February, I think) and while it seems like it was a world away, I'm sure we are still coming out of emotional and physical burden that those months had on us.

Life goes on and time goes on and I wish I could say my faith in the fact that Steve is cancer-free goes on, but it's hard to bounce back from the assault that cancer delivers. It's hard to make plans, hard to trust that there will be a future, hard to just believe it won't all happen again. I think it's human nature to have have heightened vigilance after attacks on feelings of safety and well-being and unfortunately I wasn't too stable in that realm as it was. But all we can do is wait and know that there is nothing we can do to change the outcome of any test.

I know that even in my darkest times, God is as good as he ever is and in spite of the terror I feel in my heart, he's there to meet my needs and give me peace. God will never give up on us and knows our future. Steve is able to stand in the peace and trust that no good thing will be kept from us (not sure of the verse that comes from) and I try to hold on to the faith he has when mine is lacking.

So we'll find out on Tuesday, whether life goes on as it has been or if everything changes once again. Until then, I'll just try to remember to breathe.

On this date...

2008-06-07T17:45:00.001-05:00

5 years ago today, June 7, 2003...
We were married at 11 am on June 7, 2003 in a beautiful ceremony with a small group of family and friends. The day was delightful and I still feel butterflies when I think about the dream that was our wedding.

1 year ago today, June 7, 2007...
We went from one doctors' office to another during a tornado warning and found out the cancer had returned. We spent over an hour in the basement of one office with strangers after hearing the news...it was like living a nightmare.

Today, June 7, 2008...
We are healthy, very much in love and we've weathered storms in five years that many don't face in a lifetime. We've come out with scars, but also with a renewed faith in our God who is always good.

There are a few verses that really speak to me concerning our life now and in the past, I hope they also speak to you...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. --Proverbs 3:5-6

Life won't always be easy and many times we won't understand what is happening or why, but if we continue to put our trust in God, we will be safe.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord! --Job 1:21

I always understood this as God giving us good things and then taking those good things away. What a warped sense of who God is, huh? Job knew all about losing the things of this earth and yet he continued to praise the Lord. I know have a new understanding of this verse and while I can't guarantee I have it right, it makes sense to me: God gives us good things and he takes away bad things.

The timing may not always be on our schedule and the giving and taking may not be exactly what we want, but fortunately God is able to look past the immediate and see the big picture. Like when Steve got pneumonia after his cancer diagnosis, it seemed just too much...a cruel joke. However, the pneumonia and subsequent infection caused him to have a procedure that helped him become cancer free!

The purpose of my post is this...to commemorate our anniversary and to encourage everyone who reads this to know that nothing is permanent except your salvation. Bad times will come and go and God loves to do the impossible. I always liked the quote: When you're going through hell, don't stop. Good advice...going through is better than going back or staying stuck where you are. Look to the one who IS hope and who IS love and go toward the light that is our promise of a future.

So anyway...that's some of what the past five years has taught me. To read a detailed account of our anniversary weekend containing the Minnesota Zoo, White Castle burgers and IKEA go to Steve's blog by clicking HERE

Here's to another 5, 10, 15, 50 years!

Steve's Latest Blog Post

2008-05-26T23:08:00.004-05:00

For someone who has nothing to say, Steve sure does a good job of saying it. Don't miss Steve's latest blog post: Episode 4: In which Steve gets Legos and series of hamsters

Also be sure to bookmark his site at http://szieser.blogspot.com to keep up with the latest happenings and what Steve doesn't have to say about them.

Pippin, We Hardly Knew Ye

2008-05-21T20:51:00.006-05:00

Unfortunately, our new little hamster became ill and needed to be taken back to the pet store for treatment. I will say I'm impressed with the Petco we have here in Cedar Rapids/Marion because they not only made a vet appointment for the little guy while I was there, but they talked to me afterwards and let me know what the vet said. I will confess I was a bit of an emotional mess and can't believe I cried in Petco, but there are few things more sad and pathetic than a sick hamster. Fortunately, in about 7-15 days he will be better (so the vet predicted) and available for adoption.

Now, I truly care about animals, but I also have a pretty healthy perspective about their place in this world. We had only fostered (I prefer to think of it this way instead of bought and returned) Pippin for a few days and hadn't really bonded with him. Actually, compared to Walter (whom I will introduce in a moment), I do think Pippin had anxiety issues and that is what led to his development of "wet tail," which is pretty much what you think it is.

We thought about waiting the two weeks and bringing Pippin back (they even told us we could visit and call to ask about his status), but we figure that once he's better he'll get a new home and be fine. We, however, were not fine with seeing an empty cage, so I sanitized it and it now houses Walter...a larger, calmer, rather silly Teddy Bear Hamster.

Walter is the kind of guy who, if wearing pants, would constantly be pulling them up. He lumbers around, pushes his nose through the cage when we talk and is just generally a jolly old soul. Eventually I will get a picture taken and post it, but for now we're letting Walter get used to his new digs and relax.

I do want to note that we do not consider pets to be disposable and it was heart-wrenching for us to return Pippin and then buy another hamster so soon. After all we've been through the last few years you'd think this would be a minor event, but any loss is a loss and one often builds on the others. So to all you pet lovers out there who wonder how we could seemingly abandon a sick animal, know that is far from the case. We have made sure he is getting the care he needs and that he will be readopted upon recovery.

So now all is well and Melissa (who is the small animal person over at Petco) told me tonight that Pippin is actually bouncing back rather quickly. Walter is not bouncing anywhere, but seems to be eating and drinking and nosing around quite happily...all in his own sweet time. (smile)

NO CANCER ! ! !

2008-05-19T12:36:00.002-05:00

We saw the Oncologist today and found out that the spot in Steve's lung is most likely scar tissue, but is definitely NOT cancer!!! We are relieved and so thankful that Steve is a cancer SURVIVOR!!! God is good, but we also know that even if the results came back the other way, God would still be good. While I am not glad that Steve had to go through all this, I am grateful for everything we have learned and for the people it helped us become. I am also so thankful for the people who have reached out to us and helped us through. In difficult times people's true colors reveal themselves and I have to say that when I think of all of you...I see rainbows. (smile)

Pippin

2008-05-18T21:12:00.009-05:00

Steve has been wanting a hamster for a few months now and while he was gaming at the BRBC, I went to Petco and came home with this little guy and ALL his accoutrement. Steve has a pretty thorough account of how this little guy is doing on his blog at Steve Zieser Has Nothing to Say so I won't duplicate the narrative here.

Pip is definitely nocturnal and went to sleep about 6:30 this morning and woke up about 6:30 tonight. He is a busy little guy and quite the acrobat. The cage we got is great and has many levels so he can climb and climb. We like to think he's just climbing for recreation, but I have the feeling he's trying to escape.

The decision to get Pip this weekend was a good one and his antics have kept us entertained and our mind off the appointment tomorrow. I will of course post the results of that appointment here on Monday afternoon, but since deliver is set for 11am each day, you'll need to come here to read it on Monday.

Thanks once again for all your prayers. We know God is in control, but also know we will have troubles in this world. We've been praying that tomorrow brings news that the spot in Steve's lung is either gone or hasn't changed (cancer grows). If, by chance, the spot has grown, a biopsy will need to be done and then more waiting for the results.

Steve is peaceful and full of hope and while I try to stay in that realm I do find myself frozen with fear from time to time. The most difficult thing for me is going to Oncology and waiting for the doctor to come in and then hearing the news. We love our doctor and know we have the best care possible, but since she's the one to deliver the news...seeing her can be frightening. Pray for the peace that passes understanding to continue and for fear to subside. The thought of losing Steve is more than I can humanly handle and I really can't even say more than that.

Thank you for the calls, emails, invitations and time people spent with us this weekend. We could NOT do this alone and are blessed to have so many willing to be part of our lives. Thank you again.

Peace that Passes Understanding

2008-05-16T08:02:00.006-05:00

When I was a kid back at the Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Vinton, I remember reciting something (which escapes me right now) with the phrase "peace that passes understanding." For some reason, I never broke down the words and would say "peacethatpasses understanding." I figured understanding must be a town or something...I had no clue was peacethatpasses was. Silly thought to stick with me, but there you go.

Today...and on this day in particular...I have a solid knowledge of the Peace that Passes Understanding...an incomprehensible peace...a peace amidst the storms of life. Fortunately we aren't having a storm today, but Steve is getting his scan (he's there right now) and we then have to wait the weekend before hearing the results on Monday. I think that this situation could easily be a direct definition of the word stress.

How are we doing? Well, we have the peace that passes understanding. In my mind, we have a right to go running through the streets screaming and pulling on our hair (why we pull on our hair, I don't know, but it seems to go along with panic and screaming). Instead, we had a normal, quite morning of checking email, talking to the dog, praying and just a general discussion of where we're going to eat tonight.

This peace all kind of all started when Steve got up this morning and told me he had dreamed we had gone somewhere and were experiencing great danger. In his dream, he was able to see what was going on and get us out of there in time...then he woke up and he prayed for our home to be filled with peace. That's when God (who has a wonderful sense of humor) showed Steve that not only IS our house filled with peace, but that we have a physical symbol of this right under our roof. (get ready for goosebumps)

A few weeks ago, a mourning dove built a nest outside our back door on the light fixture. Our house is built with an extended roof so that it goes out about 12-18 inches and the light is under this. So, in essence, we have a DOVE (the symbol of peace) living under our roof...in our home. Steve said that obviously our home is peaceful or the dove wouldn't have built her nest there to begin with. On top of that, the bible tells us that God knows the animals and directs them (very rough interpretation).

So how could we not be peaceful today? We have a dove living under our roof, a history of God protecting us from harm, many people praying for us and probably the best medical care possible. Yes, having a scan checking to see if the spot they saw last time is cancer or not is kind of a stressful thing...we're human and if we dwell on the possible bad outcome we would spend the day and weekend huddled in the proverbial corner. However, we're spiritual beings living a human existence which means we can transcend above the things of this world and that's where I want to be today.

This morning Steve prayed for the people currently experiencing cancer. He prayed that they are healed and that they are nudged in the direction of God so that they too can experience the peace that passes understanding...I pray that same prayer for everyone reading this blog right now. The circumstances of this world are often scary and devastating and may even seem hopeless...but God IS Hope and takes great joy in doing what "they say" can't be done. As big as your problems are...God is so much bigger. He's not just watching to see what happens...he cares and wants the best for all of us. We have been granted free-will which means the choices are ours, but if we choose to ask God to help us, to fill us with his love and peace...he can't wait to do it!

Whatever you're struggling with today is something you can hand off to God. Yes, we still have responsibilities...Steve had to go get the scan, he has to go back and get the results and we need to get through the weekend not knowing what those are...but God can grant you the gift of peace despite anything and everything that is happening around you. All you need to do is say "God, this is too much...I put the situation/circumstance/addiction/habit/whatever in your hands...give me the peace and joy you promise." Then, just trust in him and wait...he can do miracles. (smile)

Please let us know what God is doing in your life...we want to share in your joy and pray for you in your struggles. We are told to bear one another's burdens...don't go through life alone...reach out!

PS. Just as I was editing for spelling a dove starting flying back and forth in front of my window (I'm in the front of the house) and perched in the tree right outside. I think there are coincidences in life...but I also think there are signs. God is with us.

Scan Moved / Dossier Returned

2008-05-06T15:38:00.003-05:00

Steve's scan has been moved to 9am Friday, May 16 (8am prep time) and the appointment will be on Monday, May 19 at 9:45am. We hate having to wait over the weekend, but there you go.

Please keep praying that Steve is cancer-free and that he continues to be healthy. We continuously ask God to protect us and to have the last few years turn into distant memories. Our human minds, however, are prone to fear of the unknown and of history repeating...I guess that's why God tells us to renew our minds daily by reading the scriptures.

As far as my heart thing goes, I'm fine. I suppose I'll hear from my family doctor tomorrow to schedule an appointment if there are any problems, but for the most part all the fluttering has subsided. I truly think that I was feeling anxiety and then focusing on it was increasing that anxiety and it just cycled into what it did. I've always experienced anxiety so I'm not sure why this was different but again...there you go.

Today the FedEx man arrived with a package from our adoption agency containing our returned dossier from China. When I opened it, my first thought was "well, that dream is dead.” I know that sounds extremely negative, but it really wasn't...it was more like I was able see it and finally really move on. Karla (our social worker) had attached a nice card that was encouraging and compassionate...she has been nothing but helpful all along this path and we're better for having known her.

I know I'm jumping around a bit, but I do want to talk a little about our lost adoption (the term that seems to fit the situation best and captures the emotion and circumstance) and where we are going now. During a meeting with Steve's after-cancer-treatment counselor (which I highly recommend to anyone finishing cancer treatment...the last chemo is definitely NOT the end of the story) we talked about the plans we make in life. She said something about "Plan B" and did so in a positive regard, but I corrected her.

I've learned, or have come to realize, that when plans change or things don't turn out the way we want them to that we don't really move on to Plan B (or C or whatever). I believe that where we finally end up is our Plan A, we start further down in the alphabet and work through those before finally getting to our true Plan...the Plan that is best for us. Take Steve for example...

I dated a lot of people before I met Steve and a few I even planned on marrying. Fortunately, in the end, I was given the privilege of being married to Steve. Steve is in NO WAY Plan B (or K or even Q)...nope...he's Plan A all the way and the same is true in other areas of our life. Yes, we dreamed of adopting a child from China and a specific child too, but does that mean that the adoption plans we are making now are Plan B? I don't think so and now that we're through a lot of the pain, I can honestly say it wasn't a mistake to pursue our first adoption nor do us truly regret it. Pursuing an adoption from China was a path we needed to follow and we did...to the end...and now we're on a different path which we hope is our Plan A.

I always want to do the right thing and in my mind doing the right thing ends in success (this is an entirely different topic that I will discuss later). In life, however, not everything ends in typical success, but that doesn't necessarily mean we did something wrong...it means we did what we thought was best and took a risk.

In a way, I suppose even our lost adoption is a success. Steve and I are still happily married, we aren't in financial ruin, we aren't bitter (although I did travel to the edge on this one) and we are still hopeful about creating a family in the near future. That sounds pretty successful to me. Add to that the fact that the little girl we prayed for those many months is now in a happy, loving home and well...that also sounds pretty successful since it really was the goal to begin with. I guess in the end we can consider our China Adoption plan as Mission Accomplished! (smile)

Prayer

2008-05-03T18:21:00.017-05:00

It's been a while and for the most part things are going very well. This time of year is bringing back a lot of memories of last year, however, and anxiety at the Zieser house is a bit high. In fact, it kind of hit its peak today when after a week of heart flutters, Steve finally took me to the ER and I'm currently hooked up to a heart monitor to record my rhythms for the next 24 hours. All tests and monitors at the hospital looked normal and I started feeling stupid about even going, but I'd been feeling strange all week so I guess it's good I went.

While we were there, I could feel my heart fluttering, but the monitor recorded no changes at all in rhythm. The doctor said our hearts do tend to have twitches now and again and most people can't feel them. I think the fact that my anxiety was already high and my focus was on my heart, it just became more pronounced. I know I'll be fine and if nothing else, I'll have the documentation to prove it.

Aside from this little detour in our weekend, we've spent the weak vacillating between hope and fear. Prayer works and God hears our requests for strength and peace, but even in that we're still human. We started our adoption classes on Wednesday and that also brought up some old feelings, but we're glad we're moving in this direction again. We've heard the classes were fabulous and even though the first one was mostly introductions, overviews and paperwork, but we left feeling we knew so much more about the adoption and foster care process.

Another source of anxiety for us is the scan Steve has coming up on the 13th of this month with the follow-up appointment on the 15th. To even think about this probably causes my heart monitor to jump and it's difficult for me to think about going to that appointment. Of all the things I've experienced in my life, I have never felt anything like hearing the diagnosis of cancer. We've been there twice and both times it was like the floor dropped me into the middle of the ocean where I was hopeless, helpless and drowning. I would like to say that I was there for Steve 100%, but I wasn't and I'm sorry for that. We each handled the news in different ways and for those who know Steve as the same-good-mood-positive-attitude-every-day guy he is, well...that's pretty much how he takes it. Steve seems to be forever hopeful and trusts in God with all his heart. Even though he can worry and experience anxiety, he stays peaceful and looks toward the future. I admire this.

So if you could pray for us this week and in the coming weeks, we have a few "specifics":

1. That Steve's scan shows NO SIGNS of cancer whatsoever.

2. That my heart calms down and that nothing out of the ordinary shows up in the tests.

3. That we are able to deal with the anxiety of waiting and just going through this again and are granting the peace that passes understanding.

Thank you so much for caring about us and keeping us in your prayers. Please let us know how we can pray for you and don't think "oh, they have enough to think about right now without hearing about my needs." Not true! Praying for others builds us up...all of us...so don't ever deny someone the privilege of praying for you...it's what we're all supposed to do. We hope to hear from you soon...

Jenn and Steve

PS. Oh...one more thing...and a good thing at that! I was contacted by a company interested in working with me and my oh-so-simple designs at Label Me Happy This is HUGE and has the potential to be very lucrative. Keep watching the blog for updates on this and I'll say more when I can (I have signed a non-disclosure agreement so I want to respect that). I should be launching a new shop or two in the coming month! God is Good.

Steve Zieser Has Nothing to Say

2008-04-05T15:40:00.002-05:00

If you haven't seen Steve's blog, you really should. While the subject-matter may not appeal to everyone, gamers will get a kick out the posts and pictures and who knows...non-gamers may just switch teams and join us in the world of gaming! Start reading Steve Zieser Has Nothing to Say right now...

The Good Life

2008-04-05T15:10:00.004-05:00

Spring is finally here and like many, my mood is lifted almost immediately. We were in the yard today and found crocus growing randomly in the grass...reminds me to look for the beauty in unexpected places.

We are hopeful right now...hopeful for a spring and summer (and life) filled with normalcy. Even spending part of the day cleaning gutters, raking wet leaves and picking up a winter's worth of sticks was a joyful experience. As we sat on the front step with our dog, looking out over our yard and our neighborhood we both just sighed. Steve said "this is the good life" and it is.

Part of me still worries that enjoying life will bring bad times again...pessimism and fear are hard to overcome...but I also know that being happy doesn't cause tragedy. I know that even a silly thought, but after the last few years and really even before that, I tend to brace myself for the worst to avoid being disappointed. That is no way to live and definitely not an attitude of faith and trust.

So instead, we'll just enjoy living the good life and if we have to change our plans along the way, we pray we will continue to be given the peace and strength it takes to overcome. Hope is the difference between life and death of the spirit...without hope we really cannot continue, but with the hope that knowing Jesus gives us we can face anything.

We are also hopeful about our future family. I won't go into the detail of our entire path right now, but next Tuesday Steve and I will be attending an orientation to begin the process of adoption once again. While we haven't stopped working with Lifeline, we have decided to explore another resource...the Iowa foster care system via Iowa KidsNet. After the orientation, we will attend 10 weeks of classes (which our friends tell us are terrific) and then either update or redo our homestudy (different agencies require different things) and prepare all our documents. I may have the order wrong, but that's the plan and we're excited to get started!

Our goal is to provide a home to a child or children who need parents and we pray that God put us in the right place at the right time. Our minds point vaguely in the direction of two children...maybe two girls, maybe a girl and a boy...ages toddler to four or five, but their faces or personalities aren't in focus just yet.

We're open to many different needs that children can have as we seem to have been exposed to so many different things in life. Between the two of us we know about reactive attachment disorder, learning disabilities, medical needs and more. Of course we wish that all children be born and live healthy, but if that's not the case, then we believe we can provide the resources they need to grow and learn.

Like I said before, I won't go into all the details now and we definitely don't have any specific children in our lives right now, but we are hopeful. We have so much to give and so much love to share...not to mention the empty room at the end of the hall. While you pray for the children of this world to be safe and loved, go ahead and throw our names up there to God as a couple who could provide that for a child or children.

We pray that you are all enjoying the good life as we are. Let us know how we can pray for you and if there are difficulties you are facing that we could help with. Life is good when we keep looking up.

The REAL 100th Post

2008-03-21T09:00:00.005-05:00

Yes, I know I wrote the 100th post a while ago, but because of accidentally saved drafts, I miscounted. This is OFFICIALLY our 100th Team Zieser post and a better occasion on which to write it, I cannot imagine. Nothing big is happening really...oh wait...there is something...

Steve will be 41 tomorrow (March 22)! I told him this morning that I can't believe I'm a 30-something woman married to a man in his 40s (have to extend that age difference as far as possible). Anyway...we have a fun day planned for tomorrow, but what would even make the day more memorable are Happy Birthday emails. All you need to do is to click right here: SEND STEVE EMAIL and wish him a Happy Birthday.

I thought about posting 100 things that I love about Steve, but I think I may do that in private. I have a tendency to share a LOT about our life and Steve says the only time he is really embarrassed is when I gush and rave about how wonderful he is. While he's been trying to convince me for 6+ years that he's "just a guy," I live with the man and know better. So I won't list 100 things I love about Steve, but I will list 5, ala High Fidelity (sorry honey, it has to be done)...in no particular order.

1. He makes me laugh...all the time...an hour doesn't go by when we don't laugh. He has the funniest sense of humor and can make even the little things hilarious...like pretending our Chihuahua is a set of bagpipes. (giggle)

2. He thinks of others first...he really does...and not in a martyr type way either. It's just his nature to do things that make other people happy and he actually prefers it to being selfish...something that doesn't come naturally to me.

3. He is creative and talented (not to mention a genius with an almost photographic memory) and although he says he is no longer an artist or musician, I beg to differ. It was his guitar playing and singing that won me over on our first "official" date and the songs he wrote himself are some of my favorites. I love the cartoons he draws and the more intricate designs he creates. I love that we don't have to buy wrapping paper because he just draws cartoons on the top of brown paper at the last minute...his Chihuahuas are the best!

4. He is consistent and patient. Since I tend to be someone who can be spontaneous and random (in good ways, of course), consistency keeps our household and marriage stable. It's amazing to me that he rarely gets frustrated with my shortcomings and tells me he wouldn't change even one thing about me because it would disrupt the person that I am. (Please read that as a testament of his character and not a compliment toward me.) I always know what he'll be like when he walks in the door and even when things are difficult, he has an inner strength that is the rock I hold on to. I'm just hoping his patience extends to me after he reads this...I'm starting to gush, aren't I? (smile)

5. He is committed to his faith, his family and his work. Steve's priorities are in order and while he DOES have a lot of games and book about games lying around the house (had to throw that in...smile) he keeps the important things in focus. He is committed to growing in his faith and grows closer to God each day through praying and reading the bible. He is committed to me as his wife and our extended families and he is committed to the job he has been blessed to go to each day. While he would say he drinks too much Diet Coke, watches too much TV (although they are most documentaries) and thoroughly enjoys his gaming hobby, it's obvious to me every day that those things come after his God, his wife, his family and his job.

I realize I crossed the "gushing" and "raving" line long ago, but I also know what an amazing man Steve is and I also know that he'd never tell you these things about himself (maybe modest and humble should be #6?). Steve is a great person to talk to if you're going through struggles so don't hesitate to email him, call him or pull him aside if you are in need...he always makes time for others.

Ok...so let's proceed with the birthday email deluge! Once again...just send an email to Steve by clicking HERE and wish him a Very Happy 41st Birthday!

99

2008-03-12T08:36:00.003-05:00

After I wrote post "100" I looked back and saw that it was really only 98. I had saved two posts that I later revised so while my index showed 100 posts, I had only published 98. This is interesting because not only am I now writing my 99th post, but I also want to go back to "100" and explain a little.

In the interest of time (I am trying hard to change my bible study tardiness record), I think I'll just make a list of points I want to expand on and add.

a. Writing is cathartic. It's therapy. I write the truth as it stands at that moment, but a strange thing happens once the word flow down from my brain through my heart and out my fingertips onto the keyboard: things change. What I write is a snapshot of that one moment, that one thought process...often it is the beginning or end of something I am working through. Those who journal know this phenomenon well. For those who don't use the tool of writing as a coping tool, I just wanted you to know that once I put something on paper (or on screen, as it may be) things change...I feel better...I find clarity. I realize that readers are stuck with what I write and not the hours that follow...I will try to keep this in mind.

b. Our adoption journey is not over. Everything I wrote reflected true feelings about the process, but they expressed our frustration, disappointment and grief. There are many adoption roads out there and while one of the exits closed for us (China), there are others we can take. I won't go into all of the programs and specifics now, but will say that our hearts are opening up toward foster care adoption. We'll see where this path leads.

c. Our adoption agency (Lifeline) is the best. Hands down. They have been supportive, encouraging, in constant communication and provide us with information and hope. Our social worker, Karla, contacted US about some of the programs they offer (domestic and Peru specifically) that she would like us to consider. Our frustration is with the adoption system, which we realize is there to protect children, but also just with the twists our life has taken this past year. I just want to make it clear that our agency is NOT working against us, but actually pulling us forward and making sure we don't give up our dream.

d. We aren't anti-biological child. Right now we have two little ones growing inside of people very close to us and we rejoice in that every day. We love seeing ultrasound pictures, hearing about all the kicking they do (the babies, not the parents) and are just so excited about the new lives developing as I write this. We also believe 100% in adoption and providing homes for children who need them (and children for parents who need them). These two things do not need to be mutually exclusive...we are pro-life in every sense of the word and want to encourage people on whatever path they take. A special "shout out" to A & J and J & D...we talk about your little ones every day and can't wait to meet them!

So that’s pretty much it...I just wanted to make sure we didn't appear to be stuck in the "pit of despair" (Princess Bride reference). Despite the hard times, most of our times are full of laughter...and a Chihuahua. Thank you for caring for us and all your prayers. God can grant you peace that passes understanding (really look at that phrase) and joy even in grief. Nothing is out of the reach of his light. All you need to do is turn towards it. We love you guys.

100th Post: Going Back

2008-03-10T14:31:00.003-05:00

As I opened up the Team Zieser blog, I realized that this would be my 100th post. It could just as easily be 10,000...I think I would have had enough to write. Milestones...particularly of the number variety...always make me look back. Kind of ironic as the post I was going to write was about going back...funny how things work out that way.

I'm not really in a place right now where I can go back and read through my posts. I'm pretty sure I started with an email on our 4th wedding anniversary about Steve's cancer returning...another milestone that turned uber-notable. Right now we sit on the edge of the cliff once more, I wonder what's in store for us...I don't know if I can do it all again.

Steve will turn 41 on March 22 and we'll have been married 5 years on June 7. I never thought that at this point in my life I would be returning baby supplies to their gracious lenders, but that's where we are. The crib will go back, the clothes, the toys will most likely be passed on and the special gifts and books we received will go into storage. I think the hardest thing for me is the pink quilt that my mother made and the colorful dishes and silverware from my sister. Then there's the little dress from my cousin...the shoes I bought...all the books. I can think of a million things I would rather be doing.

When we found out we would not be allowed to adopt the little girl that had been matched with us, I was devastated. All my fears of inadequacy were now confirmed and my self-esteem, which was already painfully low, took a hit from which I wonder if I will ever recover. I know all people doubt their ability to parent, but when you see it in black and white...doubts are erased. Of all that we've been through, the loss of our adoption is the thing Steve is having the hardest time with. He has so much guilt, but I haven't ever for a minute blamed him or even thought of our loss as his fault.

The situation we're in seems very surreal. If we had a child in our home, no one would have come and taken them from us and if we would choose to have a biological child, no one could stop us. Yet, since we are not willing to bring another child into the world knowing so many are without homes, we are denied the opportunity to be parents. While I'm not labeling those with biological children as selfish by any stretch of the imagination...Steve and I cannot imagine creating a new life knowing there are kids out there in need of parents. It hurts me every day to hear of kids being hurt and abandoned while we sit in a home that would offer safety and love. Unfortunately, a diagnosis of cancer (even after the fact) is all it takes to make it invalid. What sense is there in that?

Knowing Steve may have to live with treatment for the rest of his years is not nearly as devastating as knowing he will never be able to parent a child. Even on his worst day, Steve would be nothing less than a devoted father. I certainly hope someone is wise enough to see past a diagnosis written on paper and realize that none of us truly know what tomorrow brings. Men Steve's age are much more likely to die in a car accident than from cancer and yet even people who drive miles each day are allowed to adopt. I truly hope that someone will be able to see past this one area into the entire picture of our lives and make sense of all this.

I could go on and list all the things that do not disqualify someone from adoption: criminal record, a home filled with cigarette smoke, debt (not looking down on those who carry these burdens...they just aren't ones we struggle with), but even though we meet all the requirements and beyond in most every area...well...I don't even need to go on.

It's a hard day and while I have hope for the future, my heart is beat up and bruised. To those who are reading this, please promise me you will never tell us this is all for the best because this isn't the best for anyone. I'm angry and hurt and devastated beyond belief...then I look at Steve and feel it for him times 100.

100. I didn't even think when I just typed that. Full circle again. A miracle will need to occur if we ever hope to get beyond all the paperwork and approvals...not to mention the courage to even start the process again. The months we spent preparing, the thousands of dollars we spent...how can we possibly do it again knowing another disappointment may await us. If you have any answers, I'm listening.

Charlie Bit Me

2008-03-06T16:07:00.003-06:00

This video has absolutely nothing to do with us other than it made us laugh. Laughter is good. Watch the video titled Charlie Bit My Finger. (smile)

What We Know

2008-03-06T10:27:00.002-06:00

We just returned from Oncology and there are things we know and things we don't know. I'll start with the worst case and go from there. Actually, I'll start with the thing we know for certain...without a doubt...

GOD LOVES US...all of us...no matter what. You don't even have to believe he exists and he still loves you. This fact will never change: GOD LOVES US.

Now I'll jump to the medical worst case scenario: Steve could have a growing tumor in his right lung and would need to go back on chemo for the rest of his life. That's it...the absolute worst case scenario. Yes, this is bad...not something we would ask for, but it's not the worst thing that could ever happen. In fact, if we would rank all the things that could happen to us, this one wouldn't even be in the top ten.

The worst possible thing that could happen to us is that we would be separated from our God...something that many live with every day...often willingly. The devastation this causes is unbearable to consider and if you are suffering from this separation, I'll tell you how you can change your situation right now: Tell God that you know you are separated from him and ask him to come into your life. That's it...the absolute worst thing that I can imagine can be changed with just a few words or thoughts...nothing magical...no special phrasing...just a sincere desire to have Jesus in your life. If you want to talk about this with someone, please don’t hesitate…feel free to email me any time…I only know what I know, but I’ll happily share that with you.

Some other things worse than recurrent cancer would be losing our marriage and relationship, our friends, our family, our peace, our hope...when put it in perspective we actually have more at this moment than we could have ever dreamed possible. The fight is not really against cancer, but again losing our peace...our life. Dr. Thrower confirmed this by saying that we should be more concerned with our anxiety and mental health than the possibility of cancer. Steve statistically actually is more likely to die in a car accident than from cancer. Perspective is everything.

Ok...now that the free-flow of information and emotion (is infomotion a word?) has been put into print...I can move on to some of the other facts. Here is what we know...

There is a spot in Steve's right lung (it was his left lung that was partially removed) that wasn't noticeable last month and is smaller than the tip of a pinky finger this month. When we looked at the scans, the spot looked no different to us than the many other spots which were blood vessels except that blood vessels move...this spot didn't.

What this means is that there is a concern of recurrence, but it could also be several other things: scar tissue, fungus (Midwesterners are known for this since our air and land are so fertile and many of you reading this may have same spot in your lung, which should cause you no concern) or it could even be infection due to a cold. Dr. Thrower did take note that Steve has had a cold for months that he’s been unable to shake and the information appeared to be significant.

Now we just live. Nothing done now would change anything and starting up treatment would just make Steve sick without offering benefit. We go back in two months for another scan and if the spot has grown, they will do a PET scan and biopsy (it's too small to do either of these things now) and if it turns out to be cancerous then we restart chemo. There are many different types of chemo and is doubtful that he would return to an every other week regimen as intense as before.

On the note of adoption…our plans are once again halted. I have a good friend who keeps reassuring me that God didn't give us a desire to adopt only to have it kept from us. I don't know what the future holds and I certainly don't think living a life without a child would be wasted, but I also know what is in our heart. So until the desire to parent a child is gone, we will trust it is there to be fulfilled. This also gives us hope that cancer is not in our future as it seems that needs to be absent in order for our dreams to come true.

We've learned a lot during the past 20 hours...a big realization is that we need to decide how we're gong to cope with repeated scans and the anxiety they will always bring. I think we were naive to thing that once the chemo was done that our journey and trials would be over. Cancer survivors everywhere will tell you that life after cancer is very different than life before diagnosis. We hear again and again of people who blossom after treatment is over and live more colorful and active lives than ever before. This does, however, comes with a price...the cost is living each day working to keep anxiety in check, faith in the forefront with hope, peace and joy as the goal. We needed to go through this to realize that we aren't done with this journey, but that we need to continue to fight.

My nephews love Bob the Builder whose motto is: Can we do it? YES WE CAN! I think that should be the official Team Zieser cheer. We CAN do this and want to help others along the way. This will not beat us...we are strong...we have already won and have been promised eternal life with Jesus. Nothing can take that away from us.

Message Board Post

2008-03-05T18:31:00.004-06:00

This is a post I sent to a message board I am a part of and which contains sentiments that I thought I would also share here. Writing and communication are so empowering and bring so much encouragement to me that you'll notice I write the most during difficult times. Expect this trend to continue. (smile)
----

Well, we haven't heard any other news, but are in a very different place now than we were just a few hours ago. There are a few things I have learned through our experiences and they are (in no particular order):

-- A joy shared is doubled; a grief shared is halved (not an original thought, but one that is sooo true): thank you all for the support...I knew that just putting the SOS out there would bring comfort and boy did it!

-- You must take control of the situation and not let circumstances control you: Steve and I cried for at least and hour and then got on the net and took action. We found free phone counseling from a licensed social worker through Cancer Care and were able to connect with someone immediately. Which brings me to the next point...

-- DO NOT underestimate the value of counseling: with a good, qualified counselor, the worst that can happen is nothing. Just telling your story again is therapeutic and finding out you're "textbook" can be very comforting.

-- Count your blessings: so simple and yet so profound. As we waited for the social worker to call us, we began listing all the things that cancer cannot take away--our marriage, our sense of humor, our faith...our Chihuahua! (smile)

-- Face your biggest fear: I asked Steve what his biggest fear was and was surprised to hear him say what it was. It wasn't cancer, but that this would all be too much for me and I would leave. My biggest fear is living without him. I told him that mine trumps his and cancels it out so he'd have to pick another fear to be named his biggest. This is the Team Zieser approach in action!

Am I making light of our situation...putting out the call of distress and then reveling in the attention of replies? Not on your life! I would LOVE to have nothing to blog about, but I also know that the support and prayers of others are what has gotten us through this far. A shared grief really is halved and we feel it physically...like handing off part of our load. Thank you for being part of Team Zieser and if you read this message in two places it's because you are in a social network overlap. We love you all and appreciate you so much.

Email from Steve

2008-03-05T18:00:00.002-06:00

This is part of an email that Steve sent his dad just a few minutes ago. I thought it was great and we are in a much different place than we were just a few hours ago. Here's the email Steve wrote...

You probably got an email from Jenn saying we had an uncertain scan result. The radiologist who looked at the scan I had done on Monday thinks he sees something. However, my doctor hasn't been able to look at it yet and we don't find out what she thinks until morning. It could be a problem, or it could be nothing, we don't know yet. So, that was pretty terrifying to us this afternoon, and we got very scared.

However, Jenn, using her brain and the infinite resources of the internet, looked into some counseling for us about this. I mean, I'm going to get lots and lots of scans in the future, and how do we keep from freaking out every time? Jenn found a free phone counseling service provided by the American Cancer Society, and I was able to talk to a counselor for about 1/2 an hour about all this, and that was very very helpful to us.

So, we're going to stick with the facts that we know and not speculate wildly about the future. The Bible tells us that we can't change one thing about the future by worrying, so we are going to try to keep that impressed in our brains. Prayers sent our way will still be accepted gratefully, but we're going to be reasonable about all this. If the news is trouble, then we will find out how do deal with that and do it. It won't destroy us as people or ruin our lives forever. If it's nothing, then we'll be grateful for that and get on with things. Either way, we're not going to let our lives be about my illness or lack thereof.

Steve's CAT Scan

2008-03-05T15:18:00.002-06:00

This is just a repost of the email I sent...

I know this is going out to everyone in my address book and I normally wouldn't do it, but Steve just called his doctor about the scan on Monday and they said they see something. Our doctor is in Manchester and needs to see the scans in person so it could be nothing (a blood vessel like before) or it could be...well...it could be bad news. We go in tomorrow at 9:15 (moved the appointment up) and until then are just trying to remain calm. My whole body feels numb and I think Steve is going to try to come home from work early. This isn't just a reaction to the results of this scan, but an accumulation of all the fear and worry from this past year as well as the cancer before that. Pray for us...we're terrified. For those who don't read our blog, you can find it at http://teamzieser.blogspot.com/ and we'll update from there. I just wanted to get this out right away so people can start praying. I hope this email makes sense...

Pray for Andy

2008-03-05T07:32:00.003-06:00

In just a few minutes, Andy Terlouw...the father of one of my best friends...will be going into surgery at the Mayo Clinic. Just a few months ago, they found a tumor on one of Andy's kidneys as well as realization that the other was failing. Andy and his wife Susan are Christians as are his five children and their families. Please pray that the surgery taking place today will reveal miraculous healing and firm plan for future treatment. Also pray for Susan...asking for peace and strength...she unfortunately suffered a broken wrist on one of their many trips to Mayo. I'll send an update when I get one, but until then please pray.

Almost a Month After

2008-03-04T21:49:00.004-06:00

I was surprised to see that it's been almost a month since I last wrote. Nothing has happened during that time and NOTHING is a nice thing to finally have happen. It seemed we were living event to event for so long and are really enjoying the daily routine we have fallen back into.

Steve's health is good and he had a CAT scan on Monday, but we won't know the results until his appointment on Thursday. The clinic usually calls the day before the appointment to confirm, but for some reason called today and left a message. When we saw it, I think our hearts both skipped a beat...unexpected calls from Oncology can be frightening. We are expecting the scan is clear, but at this point can't really put the anxiety aside because we know what it's like to expect nothing and then get news that knocks us to the floor. I'm hoping that as time passes, our confidence in Steve's health will build and the anxiety will lessen.

Speaking of anxiety, I had an appointment with my doctor as well today and got the ok to stop two medications I had been taking to help with anxiety and focus. One was an ADD drug that I don't really need anymore since I'm no longer working behind a desk for someone else (that is very anxiety-provoking for me). The other was something I started to take while Steve was in the hospital and helped me sleep and cope...something I really needed then. To be free of two medications (and their side effects) is liberating, although a little scary since I have been relying on the chemicals for so long. The weight of anxiety lifted since chemo has finished is almost palatable and the struggles I was facing just aren't there anymore. I am encouraged and hopeful.

Steve has also been very encouraged by how good he is feeling and comments about it almost daily. We don't know if it’s really that he's feeling great or that he's just not feeling bad anymore. It's been nine months of chemicals (medications/poisons), surgeries, procedures and all the side effects and recovery that follow...no wonder he's feeling renewed! He is also sold on fiber in the form of my now-famous (in our house anyway) granola, which he eats every morning and I make at least twice a week. The recipe is so very easy and I'll post it here when I get a chance. We're also doing a pretty good job of limiting red meat and eliminating nitrates...big steps for us. Lowering our fat intake will come next, but for now we're just congratulating ourselves on these changes...one step at a time!

We've begun talking about adoption again and while Steve is 100% confident that he's ready and wanting to adopt, I'm hesitant. It's not that I don't want to...I do with all my heart, but I just can't bear to think of facing another disappointment. Right now even an early phone call from the clinic causes me to tear up...the idea of restarting the adoption process only to once again be denied is too much. It seems very unfair that all over the news are stories of children being abandoned, abused and worse and yet we're willing to give everything we have to care for a child, but meet only obstacles and roadblocks. I know that my conclusions aren't rational at this point, but every time I hear a story about a mistreated child, I feel like I'm being told that the child is better off where they are than with us. The truth is that China does consider it better for a baby to be left in an orphanage than to come into our home. That's a difficult message to have repeated.

Even tonight...here in Cedar Rapids...I had to call 911 because we saw a child alone in a dark parking lot. It was almost 8:00 pm when we walked by on our way into Half Price Books to see a toddler, who looked about 2, strapped in a car seat, alone in a dark car. He was there when we arrived and I called 911 from inside the store...so he was there at LEAST 15 minutes alone in the cold. By the time the police arrived, the car had left, but I'm glad I was able to report the license plate number so there is a record in case it happens again. I can't even tell you how I felt seeing this. I know Steve and I would be good parents, but all that seems to matter is a perfect medical record...which will always exclude us in some regard.

Well, once again, I've exposed more of what is going on in my head and my heart than I planned to...I'm not good at keeping things hidden. I won't go back and edit because it's a true reflection of where we are right now. When you pray, remember to pray for the kids who are being mistreated and ignored...the ones who don't know anything different and will grow up having to pay the consequences for the poor choices their parents made. I'll also pray for all the wonderful parents I know who would not only die for their kids, but live for them every day. You don't hear often enough what a great job you are doing, but all of your efforts are helping to build your kids into the people they are meant to be. Keep up the good work.

Game Over

2008-02-08T20:54:00.000-06:00

It's over. We're tired. We're relieved. We really don't know what to do now.

Steve told me that yesterday was exactly 9 months from the day we found out the cancer returned. Nine months almost to the day from beginning to end...that has to be significant in some way, doesn't it? I wonder how many total days from June 7 to February 8...I'm sure someone (Bob?) will count and let us know.

On the first day of chemo, I went to SubCity and interestingly enough, was the free sub winner of the day (they mark one of the wrappers each morning and then someone gets it at random during the day). I think that sometimes things just happen, but more often than not, I think that God lets us know he's there in ways that mean something to us right then. Kind of like when I take my nephews stickers...a small thing, but they really like stickers and I like to do little things that let them know I “know” them and love them. The free sub thing, to me, was God saying...I know what's going on and I love you.

So today, as Steve was getting fluids (he did well with chemo this time, but was a little dehydrated) I went over to SubCity and ate the same sub (#27) that I ate about nine months before. It wasn't free, but as I ate it I thought about all that had happened in the past nine months and how very grateful I was that I didn't know then what I know now.

If you're like me, you always want to know what the future holds and I used to get frustrated not knowing what decisions to make or what was going to happen...I can be a bit impatient. Today I realized what a blessing it is that we aren't able to see the future, but only right where we are. If I had known nine months ago all that had happened, I...well...I don't know what I would have done...I wouldn't have done very well, that's for sure.

Hopefully, this is making sense...I'm very tired, but wanted to write something to commemorate this day. Only God knows what the future holds and after 38 years, I finally understand why. Seeing more than today would be way too much for us handle and God, in his infinite wisdom and love, decided to carry the burden for us. I, for one, am so very grateful.

Article Scan

2008-02-07T11:21:00.002-06:00

Thank you so much to our dear friend Amber for scanning the article for us and emailing it out to our Van Meter family! For the rest of you, here is the article that appeared in today's Cedar Rapids Gazette. Know that we aren't promoting ourselves by talking about this so much, but just rejoicing in the gift of completion that God has granted us. What a nice ending to a difficult journey...I thought they did a great job with the article.

Also...when they were interviewing us, they asked if they could include our blog address in the article if it fit into the story. I was hesitant, but ended up saying yes knowing that the blog contained a lot of personal information and raw emotion. I will admit I was a bit relieved this morning to see the address wasn't listed, but think that being willing to share our story was an important thing for me.

I don't want to keep our "little light under a bushel" and God has shown us so much these past years that I feel fairly confident now in saying that you can pass along our blog address to friends, family and even groups of people you think may be encouraged by reading it. I'll again reiterate that I am just a human being and not someone worthy of admiration (my husband, however, is worthy of admiration and honor and so much more!), but my God is worthy of praise and I don't want to keep his glory to myself. Here's the blog address in case you just want to forward this post: http://teamzieser.blogspot.com/

So, if you are receiving this post from someone else and this is the first you've heard of us, welcome to the Team Zieser blog. Feel free to read back through our year and be sure to look beyond our struggles and weaknesses to the God who remained faithful and constant throughout it all. He's doing the same for you right now.

Gazette Article

2008-02-06T23:57:00.001-06:00

‘Team Zieser’ braves snow for finish line

By Stephen Schmidt, The Gazette

Steve Zieser, 40, of Cedar Rapids, and his wife, Jenn, had an appointment at 8:30 Wednesday morning, and they intended to keep it, piles of snow or no.

“I was going to walk if I had to,” Steve Zieser said.

The appointment was the last installment of chemotherapy for Zieser, who has been battling colon cancer for more than two years. To be on time, he woke up early and cleared the driveway twice with a snowblower, and then he, his wife and their neighbor — who had gotten stuck in the snow — piled into the Ziesers’ Ford Edge and crawled along a snow-covered Interstate 380 to reach the clinic, Oncology Associates, 525 10th St. SE.

“I was going 25 on the interstate, and people weren’t really passing me,” Jenn Zieser said.

This persistence is typical for the Ziesers, who promised when they were married that they would always be there for each other.

“We have this thing where we just say ‘Team Zieser’ when things get tough, and then we know that we are going to get through these things together,” Jenn Zieser said.

And things have been tough for Team Zieser, whose four-year marriage has been plagued by Steve Zieser’s long battle with the disease. After he had colon surgery to remove the affected area, the Ziesers thought he was safe — until a medical exam in June showed that the cancer had spread to one of his lungs. Doctors removed part of Zieser’s lung, and immediately began chemotherapy.

After eight grueling sessions, Zieser had reached his final appointment.

Zieser said he feels that now he and his wife can get back to a normal life.

“It’s like winning the end of a big race,” he said. “You keep going, you keep going, and finally someone tells you can stop.”

Unexpected Article

2008-02-06T18:21:00.000-06:00

I was looking through the Gazette website this afternoon and saw a call out for stories about today's snow storm. Since this was the first day of our last chemo session and we were going to make it there no matter what the weather, I wrote in a little blurb.

Within about 30 minutes, I got a call from a reporter who interviewed me and then Steve (who had been sleeping, but heard me telling our story to who he figured was the last person on earth to have heard it). We talked for probably about half and hour and went briefly through our cancer story...highlighting the timeline.

The reporter then traveled through the snow to our house and took some pictures of Steve and I (oh, Moses too) and said the story would probably run in tomorrow's paper. I can't say I woke up this morning expecting that.

They did post the email I initially wrote and while it's hardly my best writing, they did clean it up a bit (thank you!). I figured they would just have an article listing the different things people did today and how the snow storm affected them...not additional information and pictures!

Anyway...here's a link to the mini article and then I'll also include the text below: An exhausting, snowy day for the Zieser household. Hopefully this is a look at what the future holds for us...unexpected surprises...of the good kind. (smile)

----

An exhausting, snowy day for the Zieser household

Submitted by Jenn Zieser

CEDAR RAPIDS - Despite the snow, we were out four times before 2:30 p.m. today. You see, today was the first day of my husband's last chemotherapy session and no amount of snow was going to keep us from the Oncology Associates clinic.

Steve got up at 6 a.m. to snow blow our drive and then did it again before we left at 8 a.m. Our neighbor, a research nurse at Oncology, pulled out of her drive ahead of us and was all, but stuck so my husband and the other neighbor's son helped her back up her drive and she hopped in with us.

The roads were snowy, but we didn't slide and traffic was light...the same coming back after dropping my husband and neighbor off at the clinic.

When I returned to get him at about 1:45 p.m., I-380 going south was covered and all road markings hidden beneath the snow so traffic was driving in kind of one big lane around curves, by exits, etc. The plow had been by before we returned although we didn't see any plows out at all during any of our four trips out...I have to put a plug in here for our Ford Edge, which got through it all VERY well.

We're now home, my husband is receiving his chemo through a pump and will be finished around noon on Friday and even if there is more snow then, we'll be heading back out to Oncology. This is his second bout with colon cancer (the first two years ago at age 38) and with all we've been through in our almost five years of marriage, I think we're looking forward to being cancer-free and done with chemo more than anything else.

Blog / Book

2008-02-05T11:50:00.001-06:00

You may have noticed that this blog has morphed into something other than simple updates on Steve's health. We have moved beyond the day to day changes in status and as of next week, will hopefully be living a normal life once again.

This experience has changed us and we are very different people than we were just five years ago (we'll have been married five years this coming June 7...or is it June 6...Steve knows). We really can't ignore the things we've learned and while we certainly don't consider ourselves as people possessing anything beyond what others also possess, we do have some stories to tell.

For my own sake I'm going to keep blogging and Steve has encouraged me to start working toward a book. Being blessed with A.D.D., I don't relish long-term projects, but do love the immediate feedback and interactions that blogs provide. So I've decided to work on this book in blog format and if it never goes beyond that I won't be disappointed in the least.

I will continue to use the Team Zieser blog for updates on Steve's health (monthly CAT scans, etc.) and then create another blog for posts such as the one I just put up. I'll let you know the address and subscribing information later on this month. You can choose to read it or not...I'm mostly doing it for me so feel no obligation, but do know you are welcome. The working title I'm thinking of using is Benefits of Adversity, but it doesn't seem quite catchy enough so I'll have to work on it.

Until then...thank you for your prayers and encouragement...we wouldn't have wanted to go through this without you.

God Never Changes

2008-02-05T11:28:00.000-06:00

Since writing my last post, many things have seemed to happen. Outwardly, things are the same...no better, no worse...well, actually probably better since tomorrow is the start of our LAST chemo session! Inwardly, however, there has been a renewing...of faith, of hope, of understanding. It's probably too big to put into words (which is why I've put off writing and am having a hard time even now), but after posting last time I was reminded by some close to me who God is.

One friend, in particular, (and I don't think he'll mind me sharing this) emailed me a letter that lacked answers, but stated truth. Isn't that what we really need anyway? Truth? We can find "answers" everywhere from books to TV to well-meaning friends to doctors to experts to...well...the list is never-ending (oh, I need to throw politicians in there!). What we need is truth, not answers...they aren't the same. Anyway...

The truth is this: God never changes.

Regardless of our feelings, our actions, our thoughts, our words...no matter how many fits we throw, no matter how many horrible things happen to us, no matter how many wonderful things happen to us...no matter what: God Never Changes. Ever.

This is good news. Even better news to those who believe who God says he is. Somewhere I have a great list that puts together all the verses of who God says he is...I'll find it and post it. I also have one about who God says we are...I'll post that too. We forget the truth and listen to the messages we hear everywhere else, but regardless of those messages: God NEVER Changes.

What actually brought up this topic was the old poem called Footprints in the Sand. My friend and I (he's one of my oldest and closest friends and we have quite a history together) were remembering a repeat gift he had received from a family member that seemed odd for some reason. My friend is a Christian and has been for years, but this family member seemed to give him plaques and cards containing the poem Footprints on every gift-giving occasion. While they were fine gifts, they just seemed funny to me because I always thought of the poem as something that a person with new or fragile faith would appreciate, not someone who had a firm relationship with God. Anyway...

I mentioned to him that I had remembered these gifts at random and that all of the sudden the poem had new meaning to me. Throughout the past year, there had been times when I felt God very close and then recently he seemed to be absent. I felt like I was walking all alone and if I looked around, God wasn't there. Then I realized, God was carrying me...he was so close that I didn't need to look around to see him, he was immediate...kind of like the forest for the trees thing (which I've never totally understood).

Anyway...I'm pasting the poem below and even if you've read it before, you may want to read it again. It's simple, but contains the truth we all need to understand and hold on to: GOD NEVER CHANGES. He said he'd walk with us and he will. Better yet, when we aren't able to walk with him, he'll carry us. You just need to let him.

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."

--Mary Stevenson

Only One More, Only One More

2008-01-27T22:35:00.000-06:00

Note of caution: This post is VERY stream-of-consciousness.

Well, that's over. It hasn't been a good week / weekend. Steve was sick with chemo this time and wasn't really able to eat or drink much of anything, which meant throwing up without actually throwing up anything. The results are the same...dehydration, sore muscles, medication after medication and trying to sleep between bouts. It wasn't the worst he's had, but it was definitely not one of the easiest. He did need to get some IV fluids and a pain control shot Friday before coming home, but there didn't seem to be any damage done.

When we went back to the clinic on Friday, we asked about this to get reassurance that chemo can get harder the longer it goes on...it can and it does. I really feel for the people who have to do this long-term and see so many at the clinic who are suffering and yet seem to stay so confident in their recovery. Knowing that Steve does not have cancer makes it so much easier because it's something we don't have to think about right now...things could be so much worse.

That said and knowing that someone always has it worse doesn't necessarily take away from the feelings one has while going through a difficult time. This weekend was not good...emotionally for me, anyway. I promised to share about the hard times so that we don't come across as saints and I think I'm in a place right now that I can do that without too much darkness.

The hardest is the loneliness...it can be unbearable. It isn't that I don't have people I can call or who don't reach out to me...that isn't it at all...it's that no one can really reach us where we are right now. I think that Steve (gratefully) can avoid some of the loneliness because he's able to sleep so much, but I often feel like I'm the only one on the planet...it's a bit crazy-making. Even though we have people we know who have been through cancer and the staff at the clinic is so supportive, the isolation I feel sometimes makes me want time to just cease to exist. Then the depression comes...

While I wrote mostly during the good times, from around October to the end of December it was all I could do to hang on and, to be honest, most of the time I didn't want to. I have dealt with depression for many years...much of my life, probably...and have received good treatment and have acquired skills to combat it. Unfortunately, depression brings a loss of action, desire for action and just desire in general and I spent about three months just struggling to get a shower every few days, get dressed and stay out of bed long enough to work. Where was my faith? Where was my hope? Where was my joy? Out of my reach, it seemed...

I still struggle with my faith...the faith that was so strong as we started on this journey the second time back in June. After we lost the adoption, nothing seemed to matter and I cried more than I didn't and left the house only once or twice a week. Some probably noticed that I didn’t answer the phone, the door, my email and pretty much withdrew from most everything...but there were times that the light broke through...only briefly.

So where is my faith after all this time? Do I still trust that God has his hand on our life and wants what is best for us? Deep down I do, but I also have a lot of lost hope and I'm reminded of a quote I used to have on a bulletin board: Those who have known the heights and depths shall never know peace again. I'm not naively optimistic anymore...probably never was, actually...I know that even though things may go smoothly for a while, heartache will come again. I think I have lost my peace.

I hesitate to even write all this because I don't want to discourage others in their faith and yet I think of the book of Psalms and how David wrote one day of his great hope and joy and the next of his fear and desperation. I'm no David to be sure, but I can relate to his ups and downs...his emotional instability in light of the current events. My normal reaction to get excited about something good is quickly dampened when I remember that good things don't always happen and that it can be foolish to look forward to the future which may very likely be filled with tragic disappointment.

Still, I know God is good...I just sometimes wonder if we have been forgotten. Yes, I said it...that is my doubt...my lack of faith. It seems that each week we hear news of a new baby or another great vacation or some other wonderful happening and both Steve and I feel knocked down and kicked in the stomach. I wonder what we did wrong and feel cheated...like another year of our life was lost and where faith should be, I find nothing.

Don't read my words and think "she's right...there is no hope" because deep down I know that is not the truth. I'm not sharing this to discourage, but to show that we haven't gone through these last months as pillars of strength. In many ways, I feel I have failed miserably. Yes, Steve and I are still happy together and my businesses are more successful than I had hoped they could be. Steve's health is not nearly as compromised as it could have been and despite all this foolishness, his job is going wonderfully.

We have a lot to be thankful for and it would be easy to just write about those feelings, but then where would that leave the people reading this who are going through hard times and feeling desperate and alone? Showing only the good isn't good...showing the reality and honestly sharing our feelings and doubts can hopefully make us all feel a little less alone.

There is so much more I could write and I probably will, but not tonight. Thank you for reading this far and while I'm almost positive I'll look at this tomorrow and wonder why the heck I poured all this out...embarrassed or not, I won't change a word. I can't offer much right now, but I do want to extend a hand to those who feel lost and lonely. I don't have advice and I can't offer counsel, but I'm finding that's good. I received an email from my cousin after having dinner with her and her husband the other night that said (and I'm sure she won't mind me sharing): "You are real and that is nice to be around. People that don't have the answers and are hurting just like [us]."

So you have this guarantee...that I'll be real with no answers. Feel free to email me at jzieser@gmail.com You're not alone.

When It's Over

2008-01-23T12:34:00.000-06:00

Well, today is the first day of our last two chemo sessions and I just talked to Steve, who is doing well. Both of us have noticed an increase in our anxiety lately (which we didn't think was possible), so today Steve brought it up to Dr. Thrower.

She told him that increased anxiety toward the end of chemo is very normal and comes from knowing that it will soon be done. While getting chemo, we know we are actively treating the cancer, or in Steve's case, actively preventing the return of cancer. Once the chemo stops, it's like we're on our own...the training wheels come off the bike and we wait to see what happens.

Of course, that's not entirely true because the information we're getting from our doctors is not about seeing if the cancer will return, but just waiting the five years until we can official say "cure." They don't anticipate a recurrence, but as with all things...one never knows. What we do know is that Steve will be watched VERY closely by his doctors and even closer by our God. This is where faith comes in.

In a conversation with my cousin the other day, I mentioned that I get emails from people saying they admire our faith and how strong we are. They comment that if they were in our situation, they may not be able to stay afloat as we did. The truth is, we haven't always floated.

I tend to write my blog posts on the good days, the days when I'm feeling hopeful, the days when I actually have enough energy to get off the couch and do it. While I can't really afford to share the depths with you right now, because I need to stay strong for Steve this week...I promise to do so in the near future.

As for today, I feel like a scared cat...wide-eyed and tense...like danger is all around me. I'm not always for sure what I should do next...especially since hiding seems like a wise option. For now, I'm just going to try to do the next thing next...step by step...and try to make Steve feel as comfortable as possible. Sleep is such a blessing and a medication side-effect that is actually welcomed right now...I'm so glad he can rest.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-01-22T09:33:00.000-06:00

Last week I was looking around the Mercy website and read through some of the questions & answers in the Ask the Experts section. I had been wondering about what changes we need to make in our diet and lifestyle to stay healthy and avoid cancer (among other things), so I asked the dietitian about this. Yesterday morning, I got the response...

She said that it is suggested that cancer survivors follow the guidelines for prevention of cancer. The American Institute for Cancer Research released new guidelines this past November and they can be viewed in an online brochure called (surprisingly enough): Guidelines for Cancer Prevention and went on to say that "Some of the guidelines include having over 2/3 of your plate filled with fruits, vegetables, whole grains and beans. Leaving no more that 1/3 of the plate for animal source items.” While this isn't really new information (albeit not something we do)...there was some information that shouldn't have shocked me, but did.

Below are some excerpts from the brochure highlighting this "shocking" information:

In the laboratory, scientists are finding that phytochemicals (plant chemicals) prevent or interrupt the development of cancer in many ways. Some phytochemicals protect the body by preventing cancer-causing substances (carcinogens) from becoming active. Others reduce oxidation, prevent or heal damage to normal cells or trigger the "suicide" of cancer cells.

No evidence connects fish or poultry to increased cancer risk. There is convincing evidence, however, that red meat (beef, lamb and pork) increases your chances of developing colorectal cancer. In fact, the expert panel concluded that it is safe to eat 18 ounces of lean red meat each week. But every ounce and a half over that amount increases your risk of cancer by 15 percent. Heme iron, the compound that gives red meat its color, has been shown to damage the lining of the colon.

Sausage, bacon, ham and lunch meats (such as bologna, salami and corned beef) are processed meats. The evidence is convincing that processed meats raise your risk of colorectal cancer and that the risk is considerably great. For every ounce and half of processed meat eaten per day, risk rises by 21 percent. It is not yet clear exactly what in processed meats increases cancer risk. Is it the heme iron or N-nitroso compounds or the substances with which the meat is preserved, usually nitrates (which change into nitrosamines)? Or is it a combination of these? Until the answer is found, it is best to reduce your exposure to these meats. Even exposure to the new sausages and bacon made from poultry should be avoided until we know more.

If you are concerned with avoiding colorectal cancer and stomach cancer, it is best to avoid processed meats almost always. That will mean finding substitutes for bacon at breakfast, ham sandwiches at lunch and hot dogs at cookouts. (If you are in the process of switching to a diet based primarily on plant food, finding substitutes will be a little easier.) Strong evidence suggests the effort will be worth it. So try to think of processed meats as something you save for special occasions...maybe a modest serving of ham at Christmas or a hot dog at a baseball game.

Now to many, this is common knowledge and while I'm sure I have heard it before, it never really sunk in. We eat Subway several times a week (processed meats) and buy deli meat for sandwiches (more processed meat) all the time. We buy turkey pepperoni to eat on pizza, not to mention the takeout pizza with pepperoni, fast food and I'm sure there are many other things I'm just not thinking of right now. Our red meat consumption is also high, although we do use a lot of ground chicken and turkey to replace ground beef in recipes.

When I read the brochure I was in tears over what I had been feeding Steve. I called my mom and told her what I had read and that our diet may have given Steve cancer (I still have this fear that something I did caused his cancer). My mom, always one to put things into perspective, reminded me that we don't know if diet even played a role at all and that all we can do is start from today.

Like most people, I tend to downplay the things I do well and berate myself for the things I struggle with because "everyone should be able to do that!" I have always struggled with food since grade school...for various reasons, which I won't go into, but would be willing to discuss with those who have similar issues and need to talk...so I know the extremes of dieting, binging, etc. Some people are able to moderate their weight and health almost naturally, while many struggle every day of their life. I always wish I could manage food and exercise in the same way I manage money. I inherited a financial gene from my father and am able to innately manage our accounts and spending without issue, combine that with the "good deal" gene from my mother and Steve claims I'm unstoppable! (smile) ...if I could only do that with food. (sigh)

Yesterday, however, it's almost like the information I read caused my brain to explode, leaving new knowledge in places where bad habits and cravings ruled. I'm not suddenly perfect and doubt that in the next six months both Steve and I will be pictures of health...but we now know some things that can and will truly change our lives...healthwise, anyway.

So, while I'm always one to start a new diet "tomorrow," knowing what cancer treatment is like and knowing that the foods we eat can increase or decrease the need for that treatment, the thawing hamburger went in the freezer and the ground chicken came out for a chili heavy on beans, corn and tomatoes. We decided yesterday afternoon that lunch meat and processed meats are out and red meat will be moderate at most. I like that advice in the brochure that meal planning should start with deciding on vegetables and then whole grains with meat being more of an afterthought...I've been doing it in reverse.

So...I hope you have found some of this information helpful and I'll share more as we learn more. I have often heard Maya Angelo say, "When You Know Better, You Do Better" and now we know better.

Only Two More

2008-01-14T14:05:00.000-06:00

Well, we made it through another chemo session and while it wasn't pretty, Steve didn't complain even once even though he was more than entitled to do so. We're finding that he's also not bouncing back as quickly as before and are grateful that there are only two sessions left to go. Usually, he's back to normal on Monday, but I just talked to him and he said he's really dragging...of course, to Steve, coming home to rest was not an option. This man really is too good to be true.

We were talking this weekend about the last five years...we'll have been married for five years this coming June...and all that has happened during that time. A new house, unemployment, cancer (twice), career changes, a lost adoption, a Chihuahua...so much to be grateful for...both to have experienced and to have passed through. The thing I think we are most amazed by is our relationship and how we still would rather be together than apart and never run out of things to talk and laugh about. Despite all the difficult times, we are blessed with something that many never have...a great marriage.

We aren't perfect and both of us are quick to admit that we haven't led the most successful lives in the past, but marriage is something we just do well together thanks to God's influence on our life. We've learned so much during these past five years and while we know many who would still consider us newlyweds, we have grasped some key concepts that keeps our marriage strong. I hope you'll indulge me while I share...

1- Marriage isn't 50/50...it's 100/100.

2- Respect your husband. Love your wife. (There's more to that, of course.)

3- God first. Spouse second. Work, money, hobbies, etc. a distant 40th.

4- Treat your spouse as well as you would your best friend. After all, he/she is.

5- Talk.

There is so much more and I know many of you possess far more knowledge than I do on the subject, but I just want to remind everyone not to take your spouse for granted. Yes, it might be nice if the bathroom sink wasn't splattered with toothpaste, but what if it was clean because your spouse wasn't there? I'll take the toothpaste any day. Love ya, honey. (smile)

CT Scan Results: ALL CLEAR

2008-01-04T15:51:00.001-06:00

Just a quick note to say that Steve had a CT scan on Wednesday and it showed NO signs of cancer anywhere in his body. This was just a routine, pre-scheduled test, but we'll take these results any day. Just thought I'd pass along the news. Only three more chemo sessions to go!

Better Week

2007-12-14T15:36:00.000-06:00

We are currently without a computer and I am typing this from the Hiawatha library, which has generously given me 15 additional minutes...enough time to send out a quick update.

This chemo session went much better than previous sessions and by spacing medication and food, Steve was able to get by with only one minor trip to the bathroom. Right now he is at home sleeping, but since he is not having to recover from dehydration or excessive vomiting is feeling much better than he usually does on Friday afternoon.

Thank you all for your continued prayers.

Chemo Schedule

2007-11-28T15:59:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've written and I'm not sure why other than we kind of tend to isolate a bit right now.

Steve had chemo today and we just got home WITHOUT the strong nausea medication that put him in a stupor for five days. He's trying the other new med alone to see if that works as well as adjusting his diet to include bland foods every few hours to see if that helps. So far he's feeling well and considering they also added back the chemo drug that can cause bleeding, but is really powerful at killing cancer cells, he's actually feeling great.

Mentally, we're also in a better place than last session thanks to some pre-planning and good friends. Having something to look forward to and then having fun the night before chemo really made a huge difference (thanks Bob and Shanna, honorable Ninja Burger Warriors...smile).

This better state of mind was needed this morning when Dr. Thrower told Steve that he may not be done with chemo in February as planned. He will not require additional chemo sessions (12 total and I think we're on 8), but he may need to take a break in the next few months depending on how his body responds. We think we're going along well and then one piece of information can really just knock our feet out from under us and we end up smack on our butts. Remembering that we're still in a fragile state is going to be important so that we don't take on too much or put ourselves at risk for collapse.

All in all we're doing ok though and I have made some arrangements to make our lives easier in terms of simplicity and daily survival. Not that our lives are complicated or difficult, but the routine things sometimes get to seem so overwhelming (think Walmart) that we end up on the couch with a kitchen full of dirty dishes and a laundry room full of dirty laundry. We're fine now, but if you ever want to see a look of relief on someone's face, call up a friend who is going through a difficult time and tell her you'll be over in 10 minutes to get her shopping list and VISA. Trust me on that one. (smile)

Pills of Gold

2007-11-15T08:34:00.000-06:00

Chemo went pretty well yesterday and we were able to talk to a nurse practitioner about some new medication to help Steve avoid getting as sick as he did last time. The first question she asked us was whether or not we had an insurance copay on medication. Chemo and drugs to cope with them are outrageously expensive and (to give a relevant example), the new pills Steve is taking cost just under $400 for THREE PILLS. Yep...3...one each morning for three days. What is that...about $130 a pill? Fortunately, we have great insurance, but the copay still ended up being about three times the upper tier level just due to the high cost of the medication.

The fact that we were able to get the medication made us feel very grateful for Steve's job and insurance. I asked the nurse what people do if they couldn't afford the medication and she said, "They just don't get to take it." That is heartbreaking to me. The difference we are seeing on this new medication (as well as switching his other anti-nausea medication to a different version) is that Steve isn't feeling sick. I made him scrambled eggs and some cranberry bread from my mom this morning and he was able to eat the bread and a bite of the eggs. I should have known that eggs weren't the best idea since, although pretty bland, don't necessarily taste well on a queasy stomach. Fortunately, he has gone beyond queasy and today will tell if these new pills make the difference (Thursday night is when it usually gets to be the worst). He says chemo makes him feel like he's full of lead and then got run over by a truck...I can't imagine, but since it's killing cells, which may be close to what is happening.

While Steve is usually pretty upbeat, things have been kind of hard for him this time around. Part of the chemo is dealing with the anxiety and depression that come with it...not sure, but I believe some of it is brought on chemically as well. Tuesday nights before chemo get pretty tense and basically, it's just scary to think of going in and having what is quintessentially poison pumped into his body. We know it's helping him and was used to save his life, but the conflicting feelings that brings sometimes even makes it harder. Combine that with our continued grieving over the loss of our child through adoption and things can be pretty emotionally heavy around here.

Van Meter has been really great and Steve's schedule right now is a full week on no-chemo weeks and 2-3 days on chemo weeks. Since short-term disability is 60%, working 7 out of 10 days is better than staying on disability...and much better for Steve's mental health. With this new medication, he may be able to work more, but like this morning...he's just wore out and he just wouldn't be able to make it. He always has the option of going in half days and has gone in for the afternoon hours some...we'll see how today goes.

As far as his health, all Steve's blood work is great and the nurse practitioner we saw yesterday said many levels were good even for someone not having chemo. We asked if he was currently more susceptible to colds and illness and she said no...we're very happy about this! Steve is going to be able to get a flu shot through work and that should guard him against those bugs...we weren't sure if one could have a flu shot during chemo, but I guess it's ok and actually recommended. The nurse practitioner told us that the most important thing is to wash hands often and use an anti-bacterial wipe to clean off the shopping cart handle before touching it and then wash hands afterwards. I guess Hy-Vee and some other stores have the wipes right there by the carts...I'll have to look.

My work is going well, although it doesn't seem much like work since I love doing it and actually have to pull myself away so I don't spend 24/7 in front of the computer or with my students. I still have my regular students with the possibility of a few more. The tutoring business generally runs that way...a few regulars and some short-term students...of course the summer months are very busy. My shop, Label Me Happy, is doing AWESOME and I think I'm getting the hang of getting on search engines and even bought some cheap advertising that has picked up visits to my site. There are people who make $100,000+ using CafePress and while I will probably need to learn a lot more about web design to get to that point, I'm on my way!

We have found over the past few weeks that we really need people. The night before chemo is really hard and I think we may start a tradition of getting together with friends of family that night for dinner and a game or something. The next chemo session is November 28...so if anyone is free and up for some dinner and a board game that night...let us know. Actually, why wait until then...we're always up for a game!

Workin' 9-5 (well, 8:30 actually)

2007-11-06T10:07:00.000-06:00

Despite the rough time with chemo this past weekend (lots of the bad stuff, which I won't detail for you all), Steve was able to go back to work as planned yesterday and all went well. Since it was the first time we have been apart for so many hours, I made sure my day was also well-planned and we both felt pretty successful at the day's end.

Steve is doing a good job of tolerating my frequent "tips" and instructions and I'm trying not to be too over-protective, but despite looking pretty healthy, this time of year brings some major risks for someone undergoing chemo (especially right after a lung surgery). Flu season is a bit scary, but Steve patiently listened to me read an article in Health magazine about the germiest places in our world with reminders to wash his hands often...as if he wasn't already doing that. (For those who are curious the number one germiest place is your kitchen sink, followed by shopping carts, purses, bathtubs, ATMs and drinking fountains...not necessarily in that order).

We're checking to see if Steve should get a flu shot since I'm thinking it's either a 100% yes answer or 100% no. I can't remember if the shot contains the flu virus or just a synthetic, but during chemo no shots containing live virus should be given for obvious reasons. Steve has kindly even agreed to carry some hand sanitizer with him...so if he smells faintly of vanilla...know I haven't gotten out to buy him some of his own yet. (smile)

The holidays should be a very interesting time and I've kind of avoided looking at how the major days fit into the chemo schedule...or the other way around. This past chemo session left Steve pretty tired on Wednesday and Thursday, very sick Thursday night and all day Friday (very sick) and then pretty much home on the couch or in bed on Saturday and most of Sunday. We've already decided not to schedule plans until after chemo is done in the middle of February just because it really seems to add stress to know we might have to cancel at the last minute. Our family is great about telling us about get togethers and then letting us come if we can and leave when we need to...although we will have to call ahead to check on any colds or illnesses people may have just because Steve can't be exposed.

So how does one go about looking fairly healthy and yet needing to avoid a lot of handshaking, exposure to germs as well as simple physical things like refusing hugs due to the fresh incision on one's back? Steve is always so easy going and would always put others' comfort above his own, but I'm not shy about asking others to keep the following in mind (yes, I may be overprotective, but do you blame me?):

-- Steve is still very sore from his surgery...especially around his ribs. A friendly pat on the back or big hug, while appreciate in gesture, can be pretty painful so it's something even I need to be careful about right now.

-- Steve will be very susceptible to colds and illness (pneumonia is actually still a concern) and will need to avoid situations where he comes into contact with these types of germs. If he isn't quick to shake your hand, don't be offended.

-- Steve is VERY sensitive to cold (holding a pop can right now is painful) and this is a side effect of the chemo. While we all know how much Steve appreciates a good Diet Coke...cold drinks (or even cold metal objects) aren't something Steve is going to want to handle right now. We have found that if he gets a soda without ice and lets it sit for a while, it's warm enough to drink without having to actually be room temperature.

-- As the chemo goes on, the numbness and tingling side effect in Steve's hands will most likely increase and they say may take up to a year to come back. We're not sure what this means for certain yet, but it's something we're watching for.

So now that I've probably thoroughly embarrassed my husband by fussing over him so, I just want to say that Steve is the bravest man I have ever known. To go through all this without complaint, to keep his faith and positive outlook and to hold on to his belief that he will receive a full recovery is amazing to me. I'm proud to have this man as my husband and although he often tells me he's sorry he's putting me through all this, I consider it a privilege to be allowed to walk through this life with such a wonderful person.

Hi Ho Hi Ho

2007-10-30T12:22:00.000-05:00

...it's back to work Steve goes...but first he has to do a little chemo.

We saw Dr. Levett yesterday morning and got a great report. It appears things are healing very well and Steve doesn't need to go back for six months. Dr. Levett gave Steve a release to go back to work on Monday provided he tolerates chemo ok this week with a lifting restriction of 15 pounds and instructions not to overdo it. After a month of being together almost 24/7 and really an entire summer of together time, having Steve go back to work full time is going to be a big adjustment for us.

We asked Dr. Levett if he thought that chemo would be different this time around since Steve is still recovery from surgery and he said that it shouldn't be because his body is already used to the chemicals. This is good news and we hope that Steve is able to go through the next several months of treatment without too much discomfort and downtime. We are both concerned about his body's ability to recovery, do treatment and work and yet going back to Van Meter is going to do wonders for Steve's state of mind.

So tomorrow starts about four months of treatment before this trial appears to reach its end. Douglas Adams (one of Steve and my favorite authors) said "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to be." That kind of sums things up in a hopeful way. This holiday season definitely won't be as planned and we admit we're tempted to just skip the whole thing and go on a cruise somewhere...aside from the fact that we don't really want to go on a cruise, can't really afford a cruise and don't want to miss the time with family and friends. So for now, we'll just accept the reality of where we are and believe that this is where we need to be.

Halloween Chemo

2007-10-17T22:28:00.000-05:00

We went to the oncologist on Tuesday and unless something changes, Steve will start chemo on October 31 and will continue every other week for 8 sessions. A course of chemo is 12 sessions and he's already had 4, so thus the 8 remaining. The oncologist reiterated that they are going for cure, which will be official 5 years after treatment is completed. She said she is as certain as she can be that Steve will be cured of cancer and that this is what should have happened the first time so now she is not cutting any of the treatment short (not that we did before necessarily).

So like before, Steve will go in on Wednesday morning for in-office chemo, then go home with his chemo-to-go pouch. He'll go back around noon on Fridays to get unhooked and will then have the weekend to recover. Last time Steve was able to work while he was getting chemo and he's hoping that this time will be the same, although after having surgery, he may tire more easily. He definitely won't be released to go back to work in October, but we're wondering about the Monday after the first chemo is over, depending on how he is feeling. It's tricky to know when to go back because disability shuts off and he doesn't want to risk going back too early and then having to take more time off. We're just so grateful Steve is working for Van Meter because they have been beyond understanding and wonderfully supportive.

So that's the scoop on chemo and I forgot to update the blog saying that Steve didn't have his procedure last Thursday because some of the fluid that was thought to be in his lung was actually air. He'll get an x-ray a week from Friday and if it hasn't improved, they may need to drain it a bit, but we're hoping not.

Thank you, as always, for your prayers. Eight sessions (16 weeks) of chemo is a long time and will take us into February, but Steve is upbeat and confident. We're grateful to have the medical treatment available to us.